niki_chidon: (Kaidan_softglow)
Niki ([personal profile] niki_chidon) wrote2012-11-01 03:04 pm

Fic: Let Your Mercy Spill (Mass Effect, Kaidan/Male Shepard

Title: Let Your Mercy Spill aka holyfuckingshit I'm writing WHAT now?
Writer: Niki
Fandom: Mass Effect
Characters: Male Shepard, Kaidan Alenko, Liara T'Soni, Steve Cortez, Doctor Karin Chakwas, EDI
Pairing: Male Shepard/Kaidan Alenko
Rating: NC-17
Summary: I think I was just hit with some sort of... alien aphrodisiac. And that's how Major Kaidan Alenko found himself on a medically sanctioned mission to fuck the Commander's brains out. Literally.
Warnings: Because of the nature of the trope (sex pollen / fuck or die) I'll class it as dub-con as there is compromised ability to give consent. But no worries, there is enthusiastic consent afterwards.
Notes: [ profile] hc_bingo prompt: dub-con
Just ignore all attempts at science. Also, probably the porniest story I've ever written.
ME3 but before they go to Eden Prime, obviously. Title from Leonard Cohen's If It Be Your Will

“Are you all right, Shepard?” Liara asked, after the green glow was gone from the commander's eyes.

“Yeah, I... what was that?”

“All I could see was static,” Kaidan said, walking closer to take a look at the equipment and the datapads filled with what looked like Cerberus notes from the Prothean dig they had landed to explore.

“So did I. Maybe it's like the beacon? The cipher in your head means you can see things the Protheans would have... Are you sure you're okay, you look a bit... odd.”

He did, Kaidan noted, peering closer at Shepard's unmasked face. His pupils were dilated despite the ample light, and his cheeks were red. He was also fidgeting like the armour was suddenly very uncomfortable, and soon he started rubbing the back of his head with his gauntlet.

“I think I was just hit with some sort of... alien aphrodisiac,” he admitted sheepishly.

Oh, well, that explained his face... wait, what?

“What?” Liara echoed his thoughts, then looked closer at the datapads.

“I think we need to get you to Normandy so that Doctor Chakwas can take a look at you,” she said, collecting the pads. “We have no way of knowing what this will do to you.”

“How would that even work? I mean, you haven't got Prothean physiology, and I don't feel anything, and neither does Liara.” At least she didn't show any obvious signs. Not that he actually knew what those signs would be like.

“I don't know, but I do know that I don't usually get this excited over some ruins,” Shepard said dryly, and Kaidan felt like blushing. Which he didn't do. Because he was a grown up soldier, and not a twelve year old girl.

By the time they got to the shuttle Shepard was beyond making jokes. He looked like he was in pain, but when Liara asked, he just waved her concern away.

“Anything on the pads?” he asked with a strangled voice.

“I think... the scientists had translated some of the findings and... they theorised this was some sort of Prothean... fertility cult? Mating ritual? And it seems that it was nothing physical, not a chemical or... It's all in your head, Shepard.”

“Well, that's a relief. Should be easy enough to handle, then.” He almost choked on the word “handle.”

“We'll still stop by the med bay,” Liara said, resolutely.

“Is everything okay?” Steve asked in a worried voice, having obviously heard their discussion.

“Yeah, I was hit with extreme Prothean potency medication, and need to...”

“'Burn it out',” Liara filled, reading straight from one of the pads.

“Yeah, great. I'll get right on it.” His voice was dry, but Kaidan could see the sweat beading on his forehead, and the way he was pressing his hands into tight fists. It must have been painful by now, the armours didn't have that much room, and there was no way the commander would take his off in the shuttle.

By the time they landed in the Normandy, Shepard was shaking, and almost flinched when Kaidan got closer to help him up. He didn't refuse the helping hand, though, and together they made their way towards the elevator.

“The armour,” Shepard gasped. “Please, I need to...”

“Yeah, yeah, okay. I'll help you get it off.”

Steve, for once, abandoned the shuttle to its own devices and came to help. Liara took a look at the men and obviously decided to go ahead to brief the doctor. Which was good as Shepard looked embarrassed enough as it was.

“How are you feeling?” Kaidan asked, worried that this was more than just... extreme arousal.

“Like I really, really need some private time about five minutes ago,” Shepard got out, then bit on his lip to keep back whatever sounds had been about to get out when his fingers finally released the crotch guard.

Kaidan had been following his hands but now tore his eyes off the obvious sign of said arousal in the – quite impressive – bulge in the under armour. Shepard didn't seem to mind, as he didn't bother to turn around when the rest of the armour fell on the floor thanks to the work of three pairs of hands.

He stripped off the under armour too, and Steve handed him the clothes he had left behind when suiting up. The pants looked... tight, and Kaidan could see Shepard debating whether to zip them up at all, but then sucking it up and making himself as presentable as he could in the circumstances.

And maybe he shouldn't think about words like “sucking” when he had to look at Shepard who was... beside the pain, he looked like he came straight from Kaidan's fantasies, and, yeah, so not going there right now.

The walk into the elevator was awkward, each step looking painful. Steve and Kaidan both followed him in, in case he suddenly crashed or something. Shepard took deep breaths in the elevator, obviously trying to gather himself before reaching the med bay.

Kaidan and Steve followed him in there as well, although they probably shouldn't have. But as long as Shepard didn't tell them to leave...

“How are you feeling?” asked the doctor while drawing some blood.

“Trying to come up with a polite euphemism to 'horny as hell',” he said with a tight grin. “I really, really would like to get to my cabin and get started on the whole... burning it out thing.”

“I think you can go. I'll analyse this but from what Liara said, I don't expect to find anything.”

“Thanks. And sorry.” With that he was gone but, being Commander Shepard, he did not run, or even walk particularly fast to the elevator. Kaidan admired his restraint, even as he cursed the other man's pride as it only made him suffer longer.

“I'll need a blood sample from you too, Kaidan,” Chakwas said and that was when Kaidan realised he was still in his own armour.

Steve moved to help him remove it, although their movements weren't nearly as hurried as with the commander.

“I'll keep reading the data, and try to learn more,” Liara said, having obviously given her blood sample already. “Other than that... I suppose we can only wait.”

“Were you done down there, by the way?” Steve asked. “I could take you back down with Vega or...”

“No need, Cerberus troops had abandoned the place earlier, and that data is about the only valuable thing left behind. And as Shepard is probably the only person that... equipment is harmful to...”

“But don't you have the Cipher, too, Liara?” Kaidan asked. “I mean, didn't you see it in his head?”

“It isn't the same. I don't have it, I only saw the images in Shepard's head. Oh, I suppose Shiala is also in danger should she ever leave Zhu's hope. The only other person is Saren, and he is long gone.”

“Yeah, and the Protheans.”

“Even longer gone,” Steve joined in.

“Well, there is nothing alien in any of you, nothing that I can see at least. So as far as I know, it really is all in his head,” Chakwas decreed.

“How does that even work?” Steve asked.

“Well, most of sex happens in your brain anyway,” Chakwas reminded him. “Conscious or unconscious. That is why you can orgasm while dreaming even if you are not dreaming about sex. Also the other way round, you can arouse yourself with fantasies even without physical stimulus.”

And if Kaidan never heard the good doctor talk about sex again, that would be good. It was almost like listening to his mother.

“Oh dear,” Liara said from where she had been studying the information they had gathered.


“This... may be a bit more complicated than we thought.”

“What is it?”

“Well... whatever the place was during the Prothean times, it was obviously something... shared. It is a mating imperative, after all. It seems the... heat can only be conquered by 'complete overwhelming of senses.'”

“That's... hard to achieve on your own,” Steve said slowly.

“Indeed,” Liara said, with no embarrassment as far as Kaidan could tell, but he was starting to feel a little hot under the collar when he thought about the implications of that.

“So you're saying...” started Doctor Chakwas.

“That he needs help,” finished Liara. “Yes.”

Steve seemed to find this amusing. “Well, I bet we'll have no shortage of volunteers.”

“If it's mostly in his head,” Kaidan said slowly, not believing he was about to do this. “Couldn't you just do the... embracing eternity thing?”

“It started in his head, yes, but you saw how... physical it got very fast. He needs physical contact. And I am not very versed in pleasuring a human male,” Liara added, fully in scientist mode, so Kaidan was embarrassed in her stead.

“Well, if we're just looking for experience...” Chakwas said, looking at Steve, who had, after all, been married to a man, and was therefore presumably used to... pleasuring human males.

“I would do it, of course I would, anything to help the Commander. I think everyone on the ship would, but we can't just send someone up there without his consent! I mean, shouldn't he get to choose?”

“Is he in a condition to choose?” Liara asked quietly.

“And is there anyone here he would prefer?” Chakwas asked. “I've never seen him show any obvious interest in anyone on the ship.”

“If I may,” EDI's voice said suddenly.

“Have you been listening?” Liara asked.

“Naturally. As soon as the Commander boarded the ship I could tell that his readings were off, so I continued monitoring him. I am still monitoring him, and can tell you that... whatever he is doing is not helping. His body is in as much distress as it was when he arrived.”


“Not yet, but if he cannot get relief... It will be fatal.” Imagine that. Dying because of sex. Not really the way Shepard's legendary life should end. Not that anyone's should, but larger than life, galactic saviour Shepard? Didn't bear thinking about.

“So we have to act.”

“I know I am not supposed to tell anyone what I learn listening to the crew...” EDI said, and Liara made a hurrying motion with her hands.

“If there is something you can contribute...”

“There is someone on this ship Shepard wouldn't be opposed to seeing at the moment, based on his verbalisations.”

It took Kaidan a moment to decipher that. Shepard was saying someone's name while masturbating. He really didn't want to hear this.

“Yes?” Liara was sounding impatient now.

“Major Alenko,” EDI said, simply, and again it took a while for it to sink in.

“Me?” he asked, feeling his face starting to burn.

“Can you do it?” Liara asked, voice decidedly plain.

“Of course. I mean... Yeah.”

Yeah, he could do this. For Shepard. And he would not expect anything out of it for himself. Ever.

“Do you... uhh, need any pointers?” Steve asked, delicately.

Kaidan could feel a slight smile curling his lips. “That... won't be necessary. Thanks. Doctor, I need some... well. Lube.” If he had to “overload” Shepard with pleasure...

With a tube of clinically medical gel in his hands he turned towards the door without another word. He thought he heard someone say “Good luck” before the door slid closed behind him.

This was... the most absurd situation he had ever been in, and travelling with Shepard? He had seen a lot. But to be on his way to his commanding officer's cabin, with instructions from a medical officer to ravish him? He had gone through many unlikely situations in his fantasies about Shepard ever since he'd first met him, but this was beyond even his imagination.

He was also nervous. Shepard's life literally depended on his actions. He had to go have sex with his best friend, or he was going to die. Talk about pressure! It felt wrong to be feeling any kind of excitement.

The elevator stopped at the top level, and Kaidan took a deep breath as the door opened. He had half expected a trail of clothes from the elevator to the room, but it seemed Shepard had been stoic to the end. He came to a stop behind the door. Everything was happening so fast, and he hadn't even stopped to worry about the actual moment he had to get in and confront the man.


“Yes, Major?”

“How is he?”

“Do you want me to take a look?”

“So you're not...”

“I am just monitoring his vitals. And have audio in case he asks for help.”

“How are his vitals?”

“He is in distress.” Was that worry in the AI's voice?

“Okay. Keep monitoring his vitals but, uhh... cut the audio? He... we don't really need witnesses for this.”

“Very well, Major. And... good luck.”

Kaidan knocked on the door, then opened it, as Shepard obviously hadn't had the concentration to lock it.

“Shepard?” he asked, hesitating by the door for a second.

“What are you doing here?” asked a distressed voice from the bed.

“I'm here to help you,” he said, calmly, and started walking towards the bed.


Shepard was lying in the middle of his bed, still fully dressed up to his boots, only his still very erect cock out, with come stains on his clothing, evidence of at least one orgasm. He looked sweaty and uncomfortable but was not making a move to cover himself, just lying there with his eyes closed like he was exhausted. His hands were fisting the sheet like they ached to be somewhere else. When Kaidan got closer he could see the rapid speed of the pulse on his neck.

He swallowed. “Apparently... this is something you can't... deal with alone,” he explained.

“What are you...?”

“I am here to... give you a hand.”

Shepard opened his eyes at that and met his gaze. His pupils were so blown there was hardly any green showing.

“And... if I say no?”

Kaidan swallowed again. He had really hoped Shepard wouldn't ask that. Maybe he should offer to send someone else up? Based on his verbalisations.

“This is killing you,” Kaidan said quietly. “Literally. If... this... is what I have to do to save your life? I... will not take a no. And you can put me up on charges in the morning.”

Shepard frowned at that, incomprehension on his face.

“There is a word for people who force sexual acts on other people. An ugly word, which I wouldn't ever have thought to deserve but... for this? To save your life? Yeah. I will... force this on you if I have to.”

It would end his career. Even during a war the Alliance wouldn't let a rapist serve as an officer. But if it saved Shepard's life, he would do it. And god have mercy, but he would enjoy it, too. And it's not like Shepard was in any condition to refuse. He was almost panting, just lying down, and the moment Kaidan touched him, he wouldn't even think of stopping him.

Shepard closed his eyes again, face contorting as if in pain. “I'm not saying no,” he whispered.

Kaidan closed his eyes in relief, then opened them and met Shepard's gaze. “Let me make you feel better.”

“Anything,” Shepard said. His voice was deep and husky, and Kaidan would have killed to have it directed at him any other day, in any other situation.

He took his shirt off unceremoniously, and saw Shepard swallow.

“Come on,” he said, offering a hand to the man on the bed. “Shower.”

Shepard looked so uncomfortable lying there, and he needed to get him into a better frame of mind for this to work. He had a plan, a battle plan, if you will, and he was determined to do everything right.

He helped the other man up from the bed, and heard his quick inhale when they touched for the first time. Just a hand on hand, but it made Shepard's cock twitch, and Kaidan swallow.

He let Shepard take his own clothes off, and preceded him into the head to start the shower. Once the other man stepped under the spray he took a few steps back to get rid of his pants and shoes. Shepard stood with his face turned up towards the spray, and for a moment Kaidan couldn't move, just admiring the sight in front of him. He was beautiful, all sculpted muscle and glistening skin. Then the sight of his rock hard cock reminded him that he was on a timetable here.

He reached for a soap, then moved closer to the water, and gently touched Shepard's chest. His eyes opened, and holding his gaze Kaidan leaned in for a kiss.

He meant it to be gentle, a hello, like a first kiss should, but when Shepard's mouth opened beneath his lips with a moan, he couldn't help but open his own mouth, and let his tongue come out to play. It was everything that he had dreamed about, skin against skin, hot mouths meeting, tongues tangling like they were wrestling, fighting for dominance. He cheated, sucking on Shepard's tongue, eliciting a deep moan, and a tightening of hands on his back. He let his own hands slide down Shepard's back to his ass, exploring the shape that had distracted him during thousands of missions, seeing it encased in a way too formfitting armour...

The movement brought their hips in contact, and Shepard moaned again, meeting the undeniable proof of Kaidan's own interest, and he hadn't even remembered he was still wearing his Alliance issue boxer briefs. He disengaged from the kiss, and took them off, wet material clinging to his erection in a not-unpleasant way.

Shepard was tracking his movements, and let out another moan. Kaidan reached for the soap again, and started to wash the other man.

“Does coming help at all?” he asked, trying to sound clinical.

“No,” Shepard replied in a gasp. “Well, the first three times didn't. Doesn't mean I wouldn't like to.” There was a spark of humour in his eyes, and Kaidan grinned, happy to see it. Sex shouldn't be desperate. Well, maybe, but not joyless.

“All in good time, Commander,” he replied, turning his grin purposefully wicked.

He was, after all, quite experienced in this dance.

He dropped down on his knees to run the soap over Shepard's legs, and if the move brought his face into licking distance of the other man's cock... well. He licked the tip, just tasting the skin under the water droplets.

Shepard groaned.

“As much as it pains me to admit... if you don't want me to come... you have to stop.”

Kaidan raised one if his hands to wrap around the base, pressing just so, to delay the inevitable orgasm.

“Not yet, Commander,” he said, looking up to meet his gaze. “Not until I tell you to.”

That earned him another groan, and Shepard closed his eyes again and turned his face towards the spray, maybe hoping to cool down his burning skin.

Kaidan let go of his cock and stood up, unable to resist another kiss. He meant to use the time to consider his plan but kissing the other man proved... quite distracting. He pulled back with his own groan.

“Come on,” he said, and his own voice was noticeably deeper now. “Bed.”

He could see Shepard was about to say something wicked by the sparkle in his eyes, but it turned into a groan when Kaidan ran a towel over his body. Apparently all of his skin was sensitive by now. Good to know.

“Lie down,” he instructed, and Shepard did so without comment. Apparently the other man had decided this was his show, and was prepared to follow his commands. The idea almost made him groan again.

He leaned down to his discarded pants to retrieve the lube, then placed it on the bedside table. Shepard followed his actions with his eyes, burning when they met his.

Kaidan knelt on the bed, just looking at him.

“You're gorgeous,” he whispered, unable to keep the words in.

He ran his fingers over his legs, from ankles up, and his mouth joined in when they reached his thighs, mouthing the still moist skin, laving the edges of his muscles with his tongue, but avoiding the obvious target, continuing his ministrations towards his stomach, dipping to taste his navel, collecting the water droplets from its folds.

Shepard was panting again, fisting the sheet so hard Kaidan feared it was going to rip. He moved up, making sure no part of him touched Shepard's insistent erection, instead continuing to explore his skin, stopping to test whether he was sensitive around his nipples.

The howl said he was, and he grinned around one, before gently biting down, and pinching the other with his fingers, running over it with his thumb, listening to the gasps this earned him. Before the other man started to sound too desperate he moved on, biting down on his neck, this time not so gently. Shepard bucked up from the bed, as if unable to stop himself.

“Kaidan... please...”

He figured that if the other man was coherent enough to form words, he wasn't close to being overwhelmed yet. He continued towards his hands, licking water from his biceps, mouthing tenderly on the inside of his elbow, biting along his wrist. Shepard's other hand came to his head, fingers tangling in his hair, not pulling, not pushing, just holding on.

Kaidan removed the hand to give it equal attention, and Shepard replaced it with the left, running his fingers aimlessly through his hair, nails on his scalp, and Kaidan had to remind himself that this was for the other man, his own pleasure was secondary, but oh damn that felt good.

He should have kept his clothes on. This felt like taking advantage of the situation. But this was for Shepard.

“Please...” Shepard repeated again, his face contorted in pain or pleasure, and Kaidan got up.

He moved just far enough to reach for the lube, but as soon as no part of him was touching Shepard anymore, the other man moaned in disappointment.

“Soon,” he soothed. “I'm going to make you forget your name,” he said, squirting some lube onto his right hand.

He moved down the bed again, nudging Shepard's legs apart, and the other man moved like he was trained for it, giving Kaidan enough room to kneel between them.

“I'm going to make you forget there is a world outside this moment,” he promised, gripping the weeping cock in front of him with his left hand.

He leaned down for a quick lick over the head. “I'm going to make you forget you can breathe.”

He licked his way towards his hand, teasing swipes, enjoying the taste, the sounds he wrung out of the man, the heat of the thick organ in his hand.

“I'm going to make your senses overload until you forget you are anything but your body.”

He closed his mouth over the head at the same time he ran his lubed fingers over the puckered entrance into the other man's body, and Shepard bucked up so that his cock slipped further into his mouth. He merely angled his head to take him in deeper, all the while teasing his finger into his body, slowly.

Shepard was gasping for breath like he was drowning, every now and then exhaling in a moan. Kaidan tightened his grip at the base of his cock. All his work would be for nothing if Shepard came too soon. He wasn't quite sure what “overwhelm” meant, but he wasn't taking any chances. He was going to make the man fly to the stars without a ship.

He kept probing with his fingers while sucking on the tip of the cock, and soon another howl told him he had found his target. Shepard was panting louder, every exhale ending in a moan. He considered replacing his fingers with his tongue, just to see Shepard's reaction. Well, that could be his plan B, if this failed.

Two fingers inside the other man now, scissoring, exploring, hitting his prostate at uneven intervals, Kaidan took more of his cock in his mouth, Shepard long enough to hit his throat even with a hand around the root, and Kaidan couldn't help thinking about how it would feel like to have it in him, to be fucked by that length, and the mere idea made him moan around it.

He was getting distracted here, enjoying the experience a little too much. Shepard tasted wonderful, and the feeling of power it gave him to be the one getting all these reactions out of him... It was making him a little desperate to come, too.

Shepard's moans had turned into sobbing gasps, interspersed with the first syllable of his name, as if he didn't have breath for more and Kaidan figured this was about as far as he could go with teasing. He removed the hand that had been pressing down on the root of his cock, and did three things simultaneously: activated his biotic barrier, low level, just so that the energy added a vibration to everything he did; deep throated the cock in his mouth; and twisted both of his fingers so that they brushed against the prostate.

Shepard came with a shout, bucking up against him, back arched and every muscle hard. He trembled through the aftershocks, and it seemed to go on for ages. Then he fell back down on the bed, relaxed... and Kaidan could feel his cock softening in his mouth.

It had worked. It was over. The relief that washed over him banished all thoughts of his own need out of his head. He withdrew his fingers, wiping them clean on the sheet, and let the soft organ fall from his mouth, with a final lick to clean it. He moved up on the bed to lie next to Shepard, and the other man turned into a hug almost eagerly.

“Thank you,” he whispered around Kaidan's neck, still sounding breathless, but so happy Kaidan could only pull him closer, and then gasp as his thigh brushed against his still erect cock.

“Now you,” Shepard said, meeting his eyes. “Fuck me.”

Kaidan tried to tell himself he shouldn't. It was over. This was for Shepard, not for him, and... And then the man said it again, with his name, and a please, and how the hell was he supposed to resist that.

Before he even realised he had given in they were moving, Shepard pushing him into position between his legs, wrapping them around his waist, and it was so easy to guide himself against the lubed entrance and push in, slowly... Shepard held his gaze as long as he could keep his eyes open, but it was so good, so much, that he couldn't, not for long. His eyes closed, without any input from his conscious mind, and he threw his head back, trying not to come the second he was in as far as he could go.

Shepard was trying to meet his push, but the position didn't leave him much room to manoeuvre. He did consider moving them but Shepard was so relaxed, still, just lying there, almost boneless, that it felt cruel to think about it. And still the other man was meeting him thrust for thrust, as he started to move, everything feeling way too good to not to.

He kept speeding up his pace, knowing he wouldn't last, even knowing this was his only chance, and that he should treasure it as long as it lasted.

Shepard's eyes were closed, but incredibly he was growing hard again. So maybe there was still some of that... Prothean aphrodisiac in his system? Head, whatever. Maybe this wasn't just horribly selfish...

Shepard was back at the first syllable of Kaidan's name, gasping it between thrusts, and then... he had to have heard wrong. Or then Shepard was one of those men who said anything when they were having sex, because there, interspersed with his name... “Love you, loveyou, loveyou...”

Kaidan bit his lip to keep from coming that second, and moved one hand from Shepard's hip to his cock, wanking him roughly in tandem with his thrusts. Shepard came again, and this time his trembling took Kaidan with him, and he climaxed into the willing body under him, feeling better than anything, ever, and how the hell was he supposed to let go of this, of him, now that he knew what it could be like?

By remembering Shepard wasn't really there by choice. Still, he moved to hold the other man close again, sweaty skin against sweaty skin, his pulse calming down, his breathing evening out. And as Shepard fell asleep against his chest he vowed to never regret this, not to regret any action of the night, because whatever he had done, Shepard was safe now. He had done that. And he could live with it.

Even if the other man never looked him in the eye after this. Even if they never spoke. Even if it meant the end of his career. No matter what verbal consent there had been, his ability to give it had been seriously compromised. Even then. He had saved the man he loved. He would face the consequences... if not with joy, then at least with acceptance.

He considered moving, but Shepard was sleeping practically on top of him, so he just curled up closer, closed his eyes, and let the unfamiliar warmth lull him to sleep.

- - - - -

He woke up to a cold bed. Opening his eyes he could see Shepard sitting on the sofa, dressed and leaning his arms to his knees, staring at the floor with an expression Kaidan couldn't place. It was something like... desperation.

This was not going to go well.

Well, no point in delaying the inevitable. He sat up, stretching his arms.

“Morning,” he said, mostly to test the mood.

Shepard swallowed but didn't raise his face to meet his eyes. That bad, huh.

He got up, and padded to the head, naked, and found his underwear had moved from the lump on the floor to hang drying on the side of the sink. He pulled them on after relieving himself, not caring that they were still damp. It was going to be awkward enough as it was, no way was he having the conversation naked.

If Shepard was ever going to talk to him again.

He made his way back to where rest of his clothing was, trying to make this as easy for the other man as he could. While he was pulling his pants up, Shepard finally spoke, but when he turned to look at him he was still facing the floor, eyes cast down, voice emotionless.

“I've been trying to come up with something to say.”

He didn't know how to reply, so he just made an encouraging noise, and finished buttoning his pants.

“I mean... What can one say? I read Doctor Chakwas' report. You saved my life.”

“I only did what anyone would have,” he replied, cringing even as the words were coming out.

“Above and beyond the call of duty, Major,” he said, seriously, and finally raised his eyes.

“Anything, Commander,” he replied, quietly. Not for his commander, but for his friend.

“How can I ever thank you? How... I... Whatever I might have said last night... Please ignore it.”

Anything... Not the consent, that was obvious from the tone of the conversation. Could he mean... Maybe it hadn't just been a reaction to a good lay.

“I am afraid I cannot obey that order, sir,” he said, holding his gaze, hardly daring to hope...

Shepard looked away first. “As a favour?”

He let his own gaze fall to the floor. So much for that hope. He turned to pick up his shirt.

“Anything, Commander,” he repeated, hating how defeated he sounded.

“Kaidan, I... Dammit!”

The sudden violence of the word made Kaidan turn to look at him again. His face was determined as he got up from the sofa and walked within touching distance of the other man. But, of course, not touching.

“I owe you so much already, Kaidan. I don't want to make you... uncomfortable.”

Kaidan choked on the laughter that tried to get out, averting his eyes.

“You're my friend,” he said, quietly. “I would do anything for you. But this... this was not a... sacrifice.”

He wanted to say more, but couldn't. He didn't want to make Shepard uncomfortable either. He pulled the shirt on with decisive movements, deciding it was time to go. Time to absolve both of them from this awful conversation. Maybe get a drink.

He turned away, but a hand on his arm stopped him from leaving.

“Why you?” Shepard asked in a small voice.

Kaidan would never tell him about the breach of his privacy by EDI and just hoped no one else would, either. So what could he say? Because I could do it? Because I wouldn't mind it? Or maybe go for a little easing humour, Had to wrestle Steve and Liara for it?

“Because I wouldn't have let anyone else do it.” Of course he would have, if Shepard had indicated a preference.

“It had to be you,” Shepard admitted, still quiet. “If anyone else had offered... no matter how desperate I was... I don't think I could have...”

Here it was. An admission, maybe not a declaration of love, but something. Enough to gamble on? Enough to take a risk, for once in his life?

“Look, Shepard... If you just want to file the report and be done with it, forget it ever happened, I can do that. For you. But if you don't want to forget about it...” He turned to face the other man, closer than he'd thought. Close enough for a kiss.

He leaned in, touching his lips with his, briefly. “...then you know where I am.”

Again he turned away, hands shaking slightly from the risk, the admission, the pressure he'd put on their friendship.

Again Shepard's hand stopped him, but this time the touch didn't end when he stopped. Strong arms were pulling him closer, turning him around, and desperate lips sought his. He kissed him back, with alacrity, having thought to never have this again.

“How could I forget?” Shepard asked against his lips. “It was the single most perfect night of my life. But... you were forced to...”

“Not more than you,” Kaidan reminded him. “Less than you, actually, as it wasn't my life on the line.” But it had been, really, because he couldn't imagine the galaxy without Shepard in it, nor did he want to. Not again.

“I'm prepared to build shrines for the Protheans for giving me you,” Shepard said.

“You always had me,” Kaidan said, simply.

“I wish I'd known... weeks ago, three years ago. It was always you.”

Kaidan's heart was doing weird gymnastics in his chest, and he pulled the other man closer for another kiss, this one clearly with a purpose and a direction. The purpose being getting out of those pesky clothes, and the direction the actually pretty comfortable bed right behind them.

Shepard seemed to read kisses as well as battlefields because his hands made short work of Kaidan's shirt, and manoeuvred him closer to the bed, almost throwing him on it. Kaidan smiled up at him, pushing himself up on the bed, to lie on it fully, and Shepard followed him, fingers already on his zip.

“There you are,” Kaidan said. “You were so passive last night that I worried...”

“I felt like I was taking advantage of you,” Shepard explained, meeting his eyes but letting his fingers trace the form of his awakening cock through the still moist material of his underwear. “Anything you would give me was fine, but to take... felt like an imposition.”

“We need to work on this communication thing,” Kaidan said, lightly, but it made Shepard move to lie on top of him, bringing their faces together.

“I don't want there to be any misunderstandings on this,” he said, searching Kaidan's eyes. “I love you. I want you. In any way I can get you, for as long as I can get you. If that is not something you are comfortable with...”

“I love you, Shepard. I always have.”

He kissed any further doubts away from between them, and Shepard participated with remarkable enthusiasm.

“Let's find out if it feels as good without Prothean help,” he suggested with a smirk, and as Kaidan got busy kissing it off he thought that he would, after all, face the consequences of his actions with joy.