Niki (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
niki_chidon) wrote2009-04-16 04:04 am
niki_chidon) wrote2009-04-16 04:04 am
Fic: Nights of the Old Republic (19/?) (KotOR, femRevan/Carth)
Title: Nights of the Old Republic (19/?): On the Nature of Love pt.1
Author: Niki
Fandom: SW: KotOR
Disclaimer: Still not mine.
Notes: I'm moving further away from the actual game dialogue but I still use it as the base.
Previous parts: Prologue, Chapter 1, Interlude, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8, Chapter 9, Chapter 10, Chapter 11, Chapter 12, Chapter 13, Chapter 14, Chapter 15, Chapter 16 and Chapter 17
Chapter 18: On the Nature of Love pt.1
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Peace is a lie, there is only passion.
Through passion, I gain strength.
Through strength, I gain power.
Through power, I gain victory.
Through victory, my chains are broken.
The Force shall free me.
—The Sith Code
The cave was infested by shyracks but they were not the reason Shin had felt apprehensive. The humanoid remains they encountered from time to time couldn’t explain the tingly feeling in her skull, either.
They got a hint of the true source of their discomfort when they stumbled into a group of students from the Academy, willing to fight them for their freedom. They wanted to leave but there was a monster blocking the way out. A monster they couldn’t beat.
The creature was straight from nightmares, big, dark, and strong – it seemed to resist all the Force attacks Shin tried, and she really didn’t want to get close enough to use her sabres. She had been working on throwing her saber but wasn’t confident enough to use that skill yet.
Maybe she’d just have to leave this one for Carth and HK, or… Suddenly the creature was storming towards her, and then there was just painpainpain…
- - -
Carth felt more than saw Shin fall, and even before she had touched the ground had rushed to shield her from the beast’s attack.
Not dead, not dead, she can’t be dead… He chanted in his head while all his concentration was on trying to find a weak spot in the creature’s hide.
Finally it fell down, and HK went to make sure it was dead while Carth crouched down to check up on Shin.
She was blinking her way back to consciousness. Carth allowed himself a relieved smile.
“Where are you hurt?” he asked, stopping Shin from sitting up.
“I fainted!” she said, unbelieving.
“Of fright?” he asked, with forced humour, running his fingers on her scalp, looking for injuries.
“No… well, not my own.”
“What?” How bad had she hurt herself?
- - -
Shin saw Carth’s incredulous expression and tried to explain.
“I think… that was a terentatek,” she said.
“A what?” Carth was frowning, but at least he helped her to sit up.
“Oh, you weren’t there… Back at the Jedi Enclave, a Twi’lek Jedi told me about these beasts… they are creatures of the dark side, Force resistant, preying on the Jedi. Some believe they were created to kill Jedi. And somehow, when it attacked… I could sense all the Jedi it had killed, all those lives, the terror, pain…” She tried to get up, sensing something in the Force signature of the cave.
“Whoa, stay down, sister. You’re still shaky.”
She shook his well-meaning concern off with his hand and looked around her.
“There’s something here…”
She walked a short distance to reach behind some rubble. She knew she’d find the remains of a Jedi there.
The robes she found there looked untouched by age, and under them she found a datapad. This, too, seemed undamaged and she accessed some files. It was a personal journal of someone called Duron Qel-Droma.
”The Twi’lek told me about the Great Hunt, the Jedi effort to rid the universe of the terentatek. After it ended, three Jedi were sent to finish the job. I think Duron here was one of them.”
She sat down to read the datapad, and Carth sat down next to her. HK was fighting some shyracks down the next corridor, and they could hear his occasional interjections.
What Shin didn’t tell Carth was that Duron’s journal revealed he had fallen in love with a fellow Jedi, Shaela Nuur, and that their third companion, Guun Han Saresh, had been convinced it was leading them to the dark side. ’The Jedi and love’ was not something she wanted to get into with Carth, not now.
She could remember her discussion on the subject with Bastila, weeks ago, on Tatooine, after they had met with her mother.
Emotional entanglements can be dangerous. They can impair rational thought, they can lead to outbursts of uncontrolled emotion. A Jedi must be above such things.
A Jedi must do what is needed, personal desires notwithstanding. Love can only obscure and confuse the matter.
Even a Jedi cannot always control the feelings of the heart. We must do our best to guard against it, no matter what the cost. But some sacrifices are harder than others.
Was she willing to let go of what she felt for Carth to be a better Jedi? Could she, even? Was this the way she could fall?
She had learned the Jedi Code by heart as part of her training, and at the Academy had encountered its twisted cousin, the Sith Code. Peace is a lie, there is only passion.
No room for love in their rules, either.
Carth’s words for Dustil echoed in her head, too. The Sith war to conquer, to rule the helpless. I went to war for you. For your freedom, your future.
She wanted to stop Malak, to end the Sith threat, for Carth. For Mission. For all her friends. For Doctor Zelka on Taris, for Rahasia and Shen on Dantooine, for the Jawas she’d encountered on Tatooine. Not because it was ’good’ or ’right’ but because of the individuals she had met, the people she had come to love.
Was that wrong, then? Dangerous? It didn’t actually follow what the Jedi had been trying to teach her, but it didn’t sound like the Sith teachings, either. What was she? Was she in danger of falling, just because she thought she was something different from the rest?
Her hand fell to rest on one of her purple sabers. So very like you, padawan, to choose your own path... Was this what Master Vandar had seen? Or was this the beginning of the fall Master Vrook seemed to expect from her?
And if it was, why didn’t it feel like darkness? Anger, passion, aggression, fear – those were the emotions she connected to the dark side. Because of Juhani, because of the Academy, because of the atmosphere in her visions... She couldn’t see how her emotions could turn into that, but recognised that the thought itself was dangerous.
She would have to be on guard against those feelings.
But she wasn’t ready to let go of the love, either.
- - -
Shin didn’t even need to tell Master Uthar about all the things she had done before he declared she had impressed him enough to be chosen for the final test which would take place in the tomb of Naga Sadow – where the Star Map was bound to be.
”Go prepare,” the Sith Master instructed her, and she knew Bastila would encourage her to meditate but was equally sure she couldn’t concentrate among all the darkness.
So she went with what she knew would work.
They took over to room farthest from everything, and Shin took off her boots and belt before lying down on the bed.
”Carth,” she said quietly. ”Would you... hold me, please?”
She could hear him taking his jacket and boots off as well, and then he was lying down behind her, moving just close enough to touch, resting his hand lightly on her hip – careful not to cross the line to greater intimacy.
Shin covered his hand with her own and pressed them against her chest, pulling him closer until his taller frame was molded to her body. Now she could relax. Now she could reach her calm centre. There is no passion; there is serenity. Yes, she could feel the stirring of desire inside her but the closeness, the warmth, the peace was so much more important she could easily ignore it.
She could feel Carth relax into sleep as well, so she supposed she was wasn’t alone in her comfort.
She had missed sleeping next to him.
- - -
It wasn’t even awkward to wake up, fully clothed, in his arms. All Shin could feel was peace, and she hoped her eyes conveyed the message when she thanked him quietly.
They didn’t say anything else, didn’t exchange any platitudes or utter any promises. She would come back. There was no other option.
There is no emotion; there is peace.
There is no ignorance; there is knowledge.
There is no passion; there is serenity.
There is no chaos; there is harmony.
There is no death; there is the Force.
— The Jedi Code
Continued in Chapter 19.
Author: Niki
Fandom: SW: KotOR
Disclaimer: Still not mine.
Notes: I'm moving further away from the actual game dialogue but I still use it as the base.
Previous parts: Prologue, Chapter 1, Interlude, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8, Chapter 9, Chapter 10, Chapter 11, Chapter 12, Chapter 13, Chapter 14, Chapter 15, Chapter 16 and Chapter 17
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Through passion, I gain strength.
Through strength, I gain power.
Through power, I gain victory.
Through victory, my chains are broken.
The Force shall free me.
—The Sith Code
The cave was infested by shyracks but they were not the reason Shin had felt apprehensive. The humanoid remains they encountered from time to time couldn’t explain the tingly feeling in her skull, either.
They got a hint of the true source of their discomfort when they stumbled into a group of students from the Academy, willing to fight them for their freedom. They wanted to leave but there was a monster blocking the way out. A monster they couldn’t beat.
The creature was straight from nightmares, big, dark, and strong – it seemed to resist all the Force attacks Shin tried, and she really didn’t want to get close enough to use her sabres. She had been working on throwing her saber but wasn’t confident enough to use that skill yet.
Maybe she’d just have to leave this one for Carth and HK, or… Suddenly the creature was storming towards her, and then there was just painpainpain…
- - -
Carth felt more than saw Shin fall, and even before she had touched the ground had rushed to shield her from the beast’s attack.
Not dead, not dead, she can’t be dead… He chanted in his head while all his concentration was on trying to find a weak spot in the creature’s hide.
Finally it fell down, and HK went to make sure it was dead while Carth crouched down to check up on Shin.
She was blinking her way back to consciousness. Carth allowed himself a relieved smile.
“Where are you hurt?” he asked, stopping Shin from sitting up.
“I fainted!” she said, unbelieving.
“Of fright?” he asked, with forced humour, running his fingers on her scalp, looking for injuries.
“No… well, not my own.”
“What?” How bad had she hurt herself?
- - -
Shin saw Carth’s incredulous expression and tried to explain.
“I think… that was a terentatek,” she said.
“A what?” Carth was frowning, but at least he helped her to sit up.
“Oh, you weren’t there… Back at the Jedi Enclave, a Twi’lek Jedi told me about these beasts… they are creatures of the dark side, Force resistant, preying on the Jedi. Some believe they were created to kill Jedi. And somehow, when it attacked… I could sense all the Jedi it had killed, all those lives, the terror, pain…” She tried to get up, sensing something in the Force signature of the cave.
“Whoa, stay down, sister. You’re still shaky.”
She shook his well-meaning concern off with his hand and looked around her.
“There’s something here…”
She walked a short distance to reach behind some rubble. She knew she’d find the remains of a Jedi there.
The robes she found there looked untouched by age, and under them she found a datapad. This, too, seemed undamaged and she accessed some files. It was a personal journal of someone called Duron Qel-Droma.
”The Twi’lek told me about the Great Hunt, the Jedi effort to rid the universe of the terentatek. After it ended, three Jedi were sent to finish the job. I think Duron here was one of them.”
She sat down to read the datapad, and Carth sat down next to her. HK was fighting some shyracks down the next corridor, and they could hear his occasional interjections.
What Shin didn’t tell Carth was that Duron’s journal revealed he had fallen in love with a fellow Jedi, Shaela Nuur, and that their third companion, Guun Han Saresh, had been convinced it was leading them to the dark side. ’The Jedi and love’ was not something she wanted to get into with Carth, not now.
She could remember her discussion on the subject with Bastila, weeks ago, on Tatooine, after they had met with her mother.
Emotional entanglements can be dangerous. They can impair rational thought, they can lead to outbursts of uncontrolled emotion. A Jedi must be above such things.
A Jedi must do what is needed, personal desires notwithstanding. Love can only obscure and confuse the matter.
Even a Jedi cannot always control the feelings of the heart. We must do our best to guard against it, no matter what the cost. But some sacrifices are harder than others.
Was she willing to let go of what she felt for Carth to be a better Jedi? Could she, even? Was this the way she could fall?
She had learned the Jedi Code by heart as part of her training, and at the Academy had encountered its twisted cousin, the Sith Code. Peace is a lie, there is only passion.
No room for love in their rules, either.
Carth’s words for Dustil echoed in her head, too. The Sith war to conquer, to rule the helpless. I went to war for you. For your freedom, your future.
She wanted to stop Malak, to end the Sith threat, for Carth. For Mission. For all her friends. For Doctor Zelka on Taris, for Rahasia and Shen on Dantooine, for the Jawas she’d encountered on Tatooine. Not because it was ’good’ or ’right’ but because of the individuals she had met, the people she had come to love.
Was that wrong, then? Dangerous? It didn’t actually follow what the Jedi had been trying to teach her, but it didn’t sound like the Sith teachings, either. What was she? Was she in danger of falling, just because she thought she was something different from the rest?
Her hand fell to rest on one of her purple sabers. So very like you, padawan, to choose your own path... Was this what Master Vandar had seen? Or was this the beginning of the fall Master Vrook seemed to expect from her?
And if it was, why didn’t it feel like darkness? Anger, passion, aggression, fear – those were the emotions she connected to the dark side. Because of Juhani, because of the Academy, because of the atmosphere in her visions... She couldn’t see how her emotions could turn into that, but recognised that the thought itself was dangerous.
She would have to be on guard against those feelings.
But she wasn’t ready to let go of the love, either.
- - -
Shin didn’t even need to tell Master Uthar about all the things she had done before he declared she had impressed him enough to be chosen for the final test which would take place in the tomb of Naga Sadow – where the Star Map was bound to be.
”Go prepare,” the Sith Master instructed her, and she knew Bastila would encourage her to meditate but was equally sure she couldn’t concentrate among all the darkness.
So she went with what she knew would work.
They took over to room farthest from everything, and Shin took off her boots and belt before lying down on the bed.
”Carth,” she said quietly. ”Would you... hold me, please?”
She could hear him taking his jacket and boots off as well, and then he was lying down behind her, moving just close enough to touch, resting his hand lightly on her hip – careful not to cross the line to greater intimacy.
Shin covered his hand with her own and pressed them against her chest, pulling him closer until his taller frame was molded to her body. Now she could relax. Now she could reach her calm centre. There is no passion; there is serenity. Yes, she could feel the stirring of desire inside her but the closeness, the warmth, the peace was so much more important she could easily ignore it.
She could feel Carth relax into sleep as well, so she supposed she was wasn’t alone in her comfort.
She had missed sleeping next to him.
- - -
It wasn’t even awkward to wake up, fully clothed, in his arms. All Shin could feel was peace, and she hoped her eyes conveyed the message when she thanked him quietly.
They didn’t say anything else, didn’t exchange any platitudes or utter any promises. She would come back. There was no other option.
There is no ignorance; there is knowledge.
There is no passion; there is serenity.
There is no chaos; there is harmony.
There is no death; there is the Force.
— The Jedi Code
Continued in Chapter 19.