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niki_chidon) wrote2010-02-16 02:38 am
niki_chidon) wrote2010-02-16 02:38 am
Fic: Nights of the Old Republic 25/? (KotOR, femRevan/Carth)
Title: Nights of the Old Republic (25/?): Reflections
Author: Niki
Fandom: SW: KotOR
Disclaimer: Still not mine.
Notes: I take some liberties with the dialogue and story lines... even some characters. This is called ’creative licence’ aka ’so I didn’t remember the exact wording of that line’ aka ’but it made no SENSE in the game’.
Previous parts: Prologue, Chapter 1, Interlude, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8, Chapter 9, Chapter 10, Chapter 11, Chapter 12, Chapter 13, Chapter 14, Chapter 15, Chapter 16, Chapter 17, Chapter 18, Chapter 19, Chapter 20, Chapter 21, Chapter 22 and Chapter 23
Chapter 24: Reflections
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"I can't believe I didn't realise how much pain she must have been in!" Mission said, sounding contrite.
Zaalbar said something Carth couldn't understand.
"I know, Big Z, but it was a shock for her, too! And we weren't exactly helping her." She scowled at Carth, then relented. "Except... You did notice her pain. Even through your own pain you acknowledged hers. I think I've misjudged you."
"She'll need help," Juhani said, looking at Carth. "And I think you might be the only one she'll accept it from."
He didn't know if he was ready to offer consolation to Darth Revan. Jedi Revan, the Republic hero. Dark Lord Revan, the bane of the galaxy. The woman he'd learned to know, to love didn't exist anymore, if she ever had. The woman who'd given him back his son – his life – was just a lie. A construct. Someone who could be gone any day.
"I don't get it," Juhani was saying. "She said she was a creation of the Jedi Council."
Thanks for making my point for me, Cathar, was the first thought going through Carth's head. Occasionally he was convinced the Jedi could indeed read minds.
"Yes?" Jolee prompted the young Jedi.
"But I met Revan. She was... she was her. Did the masters really create that woman from nothing? The compassion, the sense of humour, the personality? Or did they just take her memories away and make her go back to the way she was when she was a Jedi?"
Jolee muttered something vaguely affirmative and Carth found himself hoping again. Maybe... maybe she was right. And if she was...
He looked around the room, then, without a word, disappeared into the direction Shin had.
- - -
Carth didn't know what he'd say to her when he found her. It's not like he could really trust her anymore, right?
He hesitated at the door after locating her inside the med bay, sitting on the floor. She raised her head to look at him. She wasn't crying but was the palest he'd ever seen.
"I don't know how much time we have," she said quietly.
"What do you mean?" he asked, frowning.
"Before the original occupant of this body appears. I... can't see it not happening now. I will help as long as I can but... but when Revan returns you need to... I suppose it depends on how it happens... If you can... You'll have to kill me. For now, I can still help, you still need my... visions to uncover the last Star Map but beyond that..."
Carth could only stare a her during her seemingly emotionless speech.
"We'll have to assume HK-47 will be on Revan's side. No matter what blocks I try to set now Revan will know how to remove them. Canderous, too, will very likely follow... me, no matter what path I choose. You can trust Mission, always, but I'm afraid Zaalbar will take this life debt thing so seriously he will follow me even to the dark side. Jolee and Juhani you can count on – with time Juhani could probably be turned again but we have to hope she won't have that kind of time..."
"Stop it!"
That broke her out of the trance she seemed to be in and she met his eyes, looking sad.
"You... Juhani told us 'Shin Cidon' cannot be a work of fiction, a mere construct. She – you! – are a real person. And she is of the opinion you – as Shin – are Revan as she was when she was still a Jedi."
Was that a spark of hope in her eyes? Carth looked at the woman slumped in the corner, eyes filled with pain over the things she'd done – that she'd been told she'd done – and couldn't find a trace of hatred in his heart. She was killing herself over the fear she might disapper and what was left behind would hurt her friends.
He knelt down next to her and gathered her unresponsive form into his arms.
"I can't believe the amazing, generous, good woman I've come to know these past months is not a real person. I can't believe she is just a lie, a construct they created to access Revan's memories. Surely the Jedi can't create a soul."
She moved, just a fraction, to hold on to him. He merely held her close, and after a moment she moved again, hiding her face against his neck and finally he could feel the tears falling against his skin.
"I'm scared," she whispered, so quietly he wasn't sure he'd heard correctly. "I'm scared of becoming Revan. Of being her, deep down."
His own words from months ago came back to him in a flash: "That's not what – who – you are now, Shin." He didn't put any undue stress on the name, but the message was clear.
"I can't hate you," he said against her hair, holding her a little tighter. "I can't hold you responsible for the things she did when you so obviously are not her. I tried to hate you, and succeeded for about fifteen minutes while I was still blinded by everything. But you are not her. And if it's up to you, you never will be again."
They sat there for a long time, just holding each other in silence.
- - -
After what felt like eternity Carth got up and carried the unresisting woman through the ship into her cabin. She kept her face hidden against his neck the whole way, and even though he noticed the others were still where they had left them he didn't acknowledge their presence in any way.
He lowered Shin on her bed tenderly, and bent down to remove her boots.
"We'll have to talk about all this... properly... at some point," she whispered and he turned to look at her face,
"Yes. But not now. Sleep. We'll arrive in Manaan in a couple of days. Then... we'll know more. Jolee is convinced we'll find Bastila by doing what we were doing anyway, so our mission is pretty much unchanged."
"No pun intended," she whispered, even more quitely, and he gave her what felt like a first smile in days, then covered her with a blanket.
"Peaceful dreams, Shin Cidon," he whispered, kissing her forehead.
- - -
"And again you are carrying her to bed. A guy can't help but wonder..." Canderous was grinning at Carth when he returned to the others.
He seemed curiously unperturbed by the revelations, and Mission was the first to call him on it.
"Shin's really Darth Revan, and that is all you have to say?"
The Mandalorian shrugged. "I always knew she was a warrior I could respect. Revan was too, both as a Jedi and a Sith. This is not as big a deal for me as it is for some," he concluded, looking at Carth pointedly.
"Well, it's a big deal for Shin," Carth replied quietly, and turned towards the cockpit.
"Is she alright?" Mission asked, and he slowed down a bit.
"I don't know," he admitted, closing his eyes, remembering her voice when she admitted she was afraid. "But she's strong, and she knows she's needed. She'll pull through."
- - - -
Author: Niki
Fandom: SW: KotOR
Disclaimer: Still not mine.
Notes: I take some liberties with the dialogue and story lines... even some characters. This is called ’creative licence’ aka ’so I didn’t remember the exact wording of that line’ aka ’but it made no SENSE in the game’.
Previous parts: Prologue, Chapter 1, Interlude, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8, Chapter 9, Chapter 10, Chapter 11, Chapter 12, Chapter 13, Chapter 14, Chapter 15, Chapter 16, Chapter 17, Chapter 18, Chapter 19, Chapter 20, Chapter 21, Chapter 22 and Chapter 23
Chapter 24: Reflections
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"I can't believe I didn't realise how much pain she must have been in!" Mission said, sounding contrite.
Zaalbar said something Carth couldn't understand.
"I know, Big Z, but it was a shock for her, too! And we weren't exactly helping her." She scowled at Carth, then relented. "Except... You did notice her pain. Even through your own pain you acknowledged hers. I think I've misjudged you."
"She'll need help," Juhani said, looking at Carth. "And I think you might be the only one she'll accept it from."
He didn't know if he was ready to offer consolation to Darth Revan. Jedi Revan, the Republic hero. Dark Lord Revan, the bane of the galaxy. The woman he'd learned to know, to love didn't exist anymore, if she ever had. The woman who'd given him back his son – his life – was just a lie. A construct. Someone who could be gone any day.
"I don't get it," Juhani was saying. "She said she was a creation of the Jedi Council."
Thanks for making my point for me, Cathar, was the first thought going through Carth's head. Occasionally he was convinced the Jedi could indeed read minds.
"Yes?" Jolee prompted the young Jedi.
"But I met Revan. She was... she was her. Did the masters really create that woman from nothing? The compassion, the sense of humour, the personality? Or did they just take her memories away and make her go back to the way she was when she was a Jedi?"
Jolee muttered something vaguely affirmative and Carth found himself hoping again. Maybe... maybe she was right. And if she was...
He looked around the room, then, without a word, disappeared into the direction Shin had.
- - -
Carth didn't know what he'd say to her when he found her. It's not like he could really trust her anymore, right?
He hesitated at the door after locating her inside the med bay, sitting on the floor. She raised her head to look at him. She wasn't crying but was the palest he'd ever seen.
"I don't know how much time we have," she said quietly.
"What do you mean?" he asked, frowning.
"Before the original occupant of this body appears. I... can't see it not happening now. I will help as long as I can but... but when Revan returns you need to... I suppose it depends on how it happens... If you can... You'll have to kill me. For now, I can still help, you still need my... visions to uncover the last Star Map but beyond that..."
Carth could only stare a her during her seemingly emotionless speech.
"We'll have to assume HK-47 will be on Revan's side. No matter what blocks I try to set now Revan will know how to remove them. Canderous, too, will very likely follow... me, no matter what path I choose. You can trust Mission, always, but I'm afraid Zaalbar will take this life debt thing so seriously he will follow me even to the dark side. Jolee and Juhani you can count on – with time Juhani could probably be turned again but we have to hope she won't have that kind of time..."
"Stop it!"
That broke her out of the trance she seemed to be in and she met his eyes, looking sad.
"You... Juhani told us 'Shin Cidon' cannot be a work of fiction, a mere construct. She – you! – are a real person. And she is of the opinion you – as Shin – are Revan as she was when she was still a Jedi."
Was that a spark of hope in her eyes? Carth looked at the woman slumped in the corner, eyes filled with pain over the things she'd done – that she'd been told she'd done – and couldn't find a trace of hatred in his heart. She was killing herself over the fear she might disapper and what was left behind would hurt her friends.
He knelt down next to her and gathered her unresponsive form into his arms.
"I can't believe the amazing, generous, good woman I've come to know these past months is not a real person. I can't believe she is just a lie, a construct they created to access Revan's memories. Surely the Jedi can't create a soul."
She moved, just a fraction, to hold on to him. He merely held her close, and after a moment she moved again, hiding her face against his neck and finally he could feel the tears falling against his skin.
"I'm scared," she whispered, so quietly he wasn't sure he'd heard correctly. "I'm scared of becoming Revan. Of being her, deep down."
His own words from months ago came back to him in a flash: "That's not what – who – you are now, Shin." He didn't put any undue stress on the name, but the message was clear.
"I can't hate you," he said against her hair, holding her a little tighter. "I can't hold you responsible for the things she did when you so obviously are not her. I tried to hate you, and succeeded for about fifteen minutes while I was still blinded by everything. But you are not her. And if it's up to you, you never will be again."
They sat there for a long time, just holding each other in silence.
- - -
After what felt like eternity Carth got up and carried the unresisting woman through the ship into her cabin. She kept her face hidden against his neck the whole way, and even though he noticed the others were still where they had left them he didn't acknowledge their presence in any way.
He lowered Shin on her bed tenderly, and bent down to remove her boots.
"We'll have to talk about all this... properly... at some point," she whispered and he turned to look at her face,
"Yes. But not now. Sleep. We'll arrive in Manaan in a couple of days. Then... we'll know more. Jolee is convinced we'll find Bastila by doing what we were doing anyway, so our mission is pretty much unchanged."
"No pun intended," she whispered, even more quitely, and he gave her what felt like a first smile in days, then covered her with a blanket.
"Peaceful dreams, Shin Cidon," he whispered, kissing her forehead.
- - -
"And again you are carrying her to bed. A guy can't help but wonder..." Canderous was grinning at Carth when he returned to the others.
He seemed curiously unperturbed by the revelations, and Mission was the first to call him on it.
"Shin's really Darth Revan, and that is all you have to say?"
The Mandalorian shrugged. "I always knew she was a warrior I could respect. Revan was too, both as a Jedi and a Sith. This is not as big a deal for me as it is for some," he concluded, looking at Carth pointedly.
"Well, it's a big deal for Shin," Carth replied quietly, and turned towards the cockpit.
"Is she alright?" Mission asked, and he slowed down a bit.
"I don't know," he admitted, closing his eyes, remembering her voice when she admitted she was afraid. "But she's strong, and she knows she's needed. She'll pull through."
- - - -