Niki (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
niki_chidon) wrote2009-08-31 11:12 pm
niki_chidon) wrote2009-08-31 11:12 pm
Entry tags:
- carth,
- cliche bingo,
- female revan,
- fic,
- het,
- kotor
Cliche Bingo post 5: The Longest Story
Title: Masquerade (formerly known as 'Kvinnans mask')
Cliché: The same but different: Canon AU
Fandom: Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic
Pairing: Carth/Morgana, Carth/female Revan
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Summary: "Jedi Knights aren't celibate - the thing that is forbidden is attachments - and possessive relationships." George Lucas
Notes: AU. Carth said he had met Malak once. What if he had met Revan, instead?
Warning: Marital infidelity, f/m sex
Words: 7123
Part 1: Revan
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Carth looked at the partying people around him, and wondered about the change the Jedi had brought to the war effort.
They could celebrate victories, now, instead of always mourning their losses.
This particular party was arranged in one of the larger ships to celebrate yet another victory over the Mandalorians, yet another planet saved. Someone had had the idea of making it a masquerade, but Carth noticed he wasn’t the only one who hadn’t bothered. The intention must have been the wish for the Jedi to be able to mingle with the Fleet personnel without the aura of mystery but he found he could still easily pick out the Jedi.
It was something in their stance, their expression—or maybe there actually was aura around them, he couldn't tell.
He walked aimlessly around the ship, not really in a mood to party. He missed home and his family. Now, if his wife was here they could dance the night away as they had done, many times, before the birth of their first child.
A child. The though still took his breath away, even after a few years; he had a son. Son, whose first laugh he'd missed, whose first step he'd missed... for whom he was fighting, far away from home.
He downed another drink, and looked at the dancing for another moment before turning around to look for some peace and quiet. He had taken a shuttle over with some friends and couldn’t leave before they were ready.
He opened a door in random, and almost walked through before realising it wasn’t empty.
“Oh, sorry,” he muttered to the dark form in front of the window before turning.
“It’s okay. You looking for some privacy, too?” woman’s voice answered him, stopping his retreat.
“Yes.”
“You are welcome to share my hideaway,” the woman said, and he turned to see her smile.
“Thank you,” he said, smiling back and closing the door.
Maybe he should have asked himself why he chose company instead of the solitude he had thought he wanted.
The woman looked younger than him, her body hidden by a dark cloak, and her dark hair in a simple bun at the back of her head. She was beautiful, but in a subtle way.
She gestured at the bench and he sat down next to her. She moved a bit and he could see the lightsaber peeking from under the cloth. He wasn't really surprised, something in her serene form had already led him to the conclusion.
“You’re one of the Jedi,” he said.
“Yes.”
“Then I should say ‘thank you’ for your help. We were losing before you people joined in,” he said casually but honestly.
“I… we felt the Council was… wrong, in denying you help,” she replied, turning to look out of the window again.
Her profile against the stars was one of the most beautiful things he had ever seen, and it took him a while to gather his thoughts.
“Trust me, we appreciate you for it,” he finally said, then grinned. “I doubt you hid from the party to talk shop.”
“I just... don’t feel comfortable in the crowds. I find it hard to connect,” she explained, facing him again.
He smiled. “Me too. I'm too old for this crowd.”
She raised an eyebrow and he explained, “I've been a soldier too long to see romance in our profession, and I have a family back home. Two things that separate me from most of that lot,” he finished, nodding towards the door, indicating the party that was still in full swing.
“Do you have children?”
“A son,” he said, simply. As much as he loved his family, he didn't want to talk about them.
He told himself it was only because that would make him miss them more.
She smiled, and seemed to sense his reluctance. Well, for all he knew, she could actually read his mind.
Could the Jedi do that? Suddenly he wasn't sure what all he'd learnt about them during the campaign. He saw no reason not to make use of this situation to learn more.
She laughed at his question. “No. Sometimes I wish we could—it would make life so much easier. Some of us can sense emotions, moods, but other than that we're on the same line as everyone else, having to decipher clues from gestures, looks and behaviour.”
“I'm glad,” he said, turning to look at the stars.
“Oh?” Was her tone flirtatious?
He shot her a smile. “I don't think you'd like to hear my thoughts now.”
“Are you sure of that?” she asked, with playful challenge, and he had his answer. She was flirting with him. “I could make you tell.”
And she said she found it hard to connect? She was connecting a little too well, here.
“I'm sure you could, Beautiful, I'm sure you could,” he replied, keeping his own tone light.
The conversation went on along similar lines; they talked, laughed, and kept up the light flirting.
Light enough to be completely innocent, casual enough to be completely safe.
In theory.
Carth had no idea how much time had passed when suddenly there was noise at the door. It opened, and a man peeked in.
“Here you are!” he exclaimed, seeing the woman. “Come on, you’re missing all the… fun”
“I’m fine as I am,” his companion stated dismissively.
“But…” the man said, staring at Carth with a calculating frown.
“Later,” she said, decisively, and the man left, with a final, searching look at Carth, who had stilled.
“That… was Malak,” he said quietly after he was gone.
“Yes?”
“Lady, I’ve spent my life in the Fleet. I recognise hierarchy even when it’s not spoken out loud. There is only one person Malak would be subservient to… Revan.”
She merely nodded, and looked away.
“Does it matter?” she asked quietly, all playfulness gone.
“Does it matter that you are the reason we are winning? I can only thank you again,” he said, already more formal.
“Don’t… please,” she begged, turning to look at him again. “It has been… nice, to be able to forget that I am a leader, for a while, and just… enjoy myself.”
He didn’t know what to say, and felt awkward. He had been flirting with Jedi Revan? Damn.
She seemed to read his mood easily enough.
“Damned Malak. You see me differently, now. Why did he have to show up?”she asked from the universe but Carth had an answer for her.
“He wanted to party with you,” he said dryly, and the tone of ‘party’ left no doubt of what he really meant.
Revan frowned and turned to him. “What?”
“What, you didn’t know?”
“But we’re not…”
“Well, you may not be, but he is,” Carth said, her confusion clearing some of the awe from his head. She was just a woman again, not an all-powerful warrior.
“How did I not know this?”
“Isn’t that forbidden for you Jedi?” he asked, curious.
“We are not celibate,” she said, smiling, “we are just not allowed to form… attachments.”
“Good thing you don’t advertise it—it would make you guys the dream of every partying soldier: guaranteed no-strings sex!” he couldn't stop his exclamation.
“Every soldier?” she asked, shooting him a look from the corner of her eye.
He swallowed, looking away.
“Yeah,” he replied, then cleared his throat because his voice had sounded uncommonly hoarse.
“Even the married ones?” she asked quietly.
“Maybe especially theirs,” he replied in near whisper, unable to look at her.
There was no denying it—he had wanted her from the moment he had seen her face, and it had just grown while they had been talking. It had made him flirt, even though it wasn’t his habit… and every thought of Morgana had left his head.
He had known he should leave but he had been unable to, determined to enjoy her company for as long as he could. Maybe the idea of the untouchability of the Jedi had kept him… safe. From straying. He’d never cheated on Morgana, not during all his long absences, and now here, with her…
Revan touched his arm lightly, and he turned his head to look at her, as if he couldn’t help himself.
She looked as unsure of herself as he did, and that eased his mind. This was new to her, too.
But she was feeling it as well.
He lowered his head slowly, to leave her time to escape. She met him halfway, and then he could feel her soft lips against his, and the sweetness of the feeling warred with the explosive desire that awoke inside him.
There was no time for tenderness when the hunger overtook them. He was forcing her mouth open, desperate to taste her, and she was sucking on his tongue, touching it with hers, stroking the flames even higher.
He pulled her closer, she helped, ending up on his lap, resting her weight just where he wanted her, needed her… He was so hard it was almost uncomfortable, and her tiny movements against his hardness made him want to come, that second…
Her hands were tugging at his clothes, he was helping her to discard her cloak, her robes, and her saber clanked loudly when it hit the floor.
It was madness; had it ever felt like this before? He couldn’t remember ever being this hungry, this desperate, and it felt so, so, good… Her hands were everywhere, her lips, her teeth, biting down on his neck, his shoulder, his chest, and everywhere she wasn’t touching him physically… was she… using the Force on him? To caress him? Or was he imagining it?
His hands were running all over her, caressing her naked skin, his mouth travelled from her face to her neck, lower, to her beautiful breasts, just the right size for his hands, whose dusky buds peaked when he touched them, sucked on them, and the sounds she was making were almost enough to make him explode.
She was moaning, quietly, when he sucked on her skin, wriggling, squirming, as if trying to escape the pleasure.
Then her hands were on him, and he moaned himself. “You do that, this will be over in a second.”
“Well, is there something… else… you’d rather do with it?” she panted into his ear, and the mere idea of burying himself in her…
“What are you waiting for, soldier? Engraved invitation?” she teased, rubbing suggestively against him, but her voice was also needy, hoarse, and she was almost trembling from the strength of her desire.
She was guiding him with Force, he was sure of it, it wouldn’t have been so easy without, so smooth… and she was so wet, so tight… He had to still his hands, bite down on his lips, to not come the first moment he felt her around him.
“More, please, more,” she was gasping into his ear, and he thrust upwards, still biting his lower lip.
She kissed him, then, licking the mark his teeth had left behind, and he could feel himself losing control. It wouldn’t be long, his thrusts were erratic, powerful, and he feared he was hurting her, she was so tight, so fragile in his arms… but she was moaning, edging him on, and then he was beyond reason, beyond worry, pushing her against himself, thrusting deep, deeper… Her teeth were buried in his shoulder now, and even the pain felt good. He was vaguely aware of her shouting as he came, harder than he could ever remember, feeling it from his toes to the top of his head, which seemed to have been blown off.
He stilled his movements, clutching her close, waiting for his heartbeat to slow down, for his breathing to even out, listening to her gasped breath…
How could he ever go back to Morgana after this? How could he ever touch her, knowing he had betrayed her, knowing he would forever be comparing her to this woman, knowing it could never be enough, now.
He wanted to hate himself, but when Revan raised her head to kiss him lightly he knew he never could. This moment of insanity was too precious to taint with self-discrimination.
“I suppose I should apologise,” she was whispering against his neck. “But I cannot. That was too beautiful.”
Yes, beautiful. Like her, like everything she made him feel.
How could he ever let her go?
And yet he knew it would never happen again, he would never even see her again. Because she was a Jedi, and they weren’t allowed to form attachments.
And yet, somehow, he knew he wasn’t the only one who had been affected deeply by the experience. Knew she wasn’t in the habit of doing this.
“I don’t even know your name,” she whispered quietly, meeting his gaze, wonder and… something soft, tender, in her eyes.
“Carth. My name is Carth.”
- - -
Part 2: Catiel
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Carth had been right. He had never seen Revan again, but had awaited news from every battle with a new dread, now. Always fearing that she would not come back. She always did.
Until the war was over, and he was returning home, to Telos, to Morgana and Dustil. And Revan disappeared, supposedly following the remains of the Mandalorian fleet.
It had been easier than he thought to return to Morgana. He did love her, and did still desire her. It wasn’t like it had been with Revan, but it was enough to drive the thought of any other woman from his mind when they were together.
The thoughts always returned, though.
And then Revan did, too.
Only now she was Darth Revan, a Sith, attacking her former allies, and Carth found a new reason to hate himself.
He had loved this dark creature that was killing his friends.
He didn’t think it could get any worse, and then Saul turned, and Telos fell. And he held Morgana when she died, and wept, and even then he could not stop thinking about Revan, about the Jedi he had known, not the Sith.
From then on he lived only for revenge. He was no match for Revan and Malak. But Saul he could kill. And he would, even if it ended his own life.
- - -
Another commission, another ship. He was only aboard Endar Spire as a consultant, and it was the first time since the Mandalorian wars that he was working so close with the Jedi.
One member of the delegation was a young brunette called Bastila who, according to the Fleet grapevine, was the one who had killed Darth Revan.
Carth still couldn’t say how he felt about that. He wondered how he would feel, meeting the woman face to face, knowing he had killed the woman he loved—even if the woman had been a monster by then.
That was when he saw a very familiar face in the crew manifest.
He stared at the woman, unable to believe his eyes.
“Catiel Kin-Kari” read the file but that face was Revan’s.
He needed to see her, to see her move, to hear her voice, to find out if he was crazy. Would she recognise him? What was she doing here? Spying? It didn’t feel right.
Carth found her in the mess, sitting by herself, eating her meal in silence. She was dressed like all the other soldiers, and her hair was shorter than it had been when he last met her. He followed her when she got up to discard her tray.
It was her, alright. Her body, her movement… And she had been specially requested by the Jedi delegation, by the woman who had supposedly killed her.
Carth wanted answers, and he wanted them now.
- - -
“Ah, Commander Onasi, I’ve been looking forward to meeting you,” Bastila Shan said when he found the Jedi.
“Likewise. Now, would you like to explain to me why Darth Revan is among our crew?” he said, not believing in skirting around the issue.
“How… how did you know?” No denial, then.
“I met her once, when she was Jedi Revan,” Carth explained tersely.
Bastila sighed. “Sit down, this is a long story.”
When she had finished, Carth couldn’t decide what to ask first. “You mean… you wiped her mind? And programmed another personality into her?”
“Not… exactly. She almost died, her mind was damaged. I kept her alive, and somehow that formed a bond between us. The Jedi Council finished her healing, and… when she was getting better… convinced her that she was Catiel Kin-Kari, a soldier in the Republic Fleet, who had been in an accident. They… gave her some memories to enforce this belief.”
“Gave her memories?”
“The Force is a powerful ally,” Bastila said quietly.
“I say. No wonder the Sith are such formidable enemies. What if she regains her memories?”
“We… need her to remember just enough to aid us in finding out how to stop Malak, but not too much to let her become what she was, again. We hope that with my bond with her I can… guide her.”
“You hope?”
“That is all we can do, Commander, too much is at stake here.”
“I’ll say. She is dangerous.”
And yet, yet… a part of him was happy that she was not dead, after all. He squashed that part violently, and glared at the Jedi in front of her.
“She’s your responsibility, Jedi. If I see one sign of her former self, I will take action before she can regain her powers.”
“I feel better you are in on this, Commander. The pressure of being the only one aware of her true personality has been… tough. Now I can share the duty of following her with you.”
“Great.”
- - -
When the Spire was under attack, Carth couldn’t help but contact Rev… Catiel, and guide her through the crumbling ship. He wasn't really surprised when she was among the few who survived.
Being pressed close to her in the escape pod was nearly too much for him. His body remembered her closeness, too, and reacted instinctively to the softness of her against him. Luckily for him, she was unconscious by then.
He should hate her… he did, and yet…
He healed her, and then found himself working closely with her to discover Bastila, and a way out of Taris.
He found himself getting to know Catiel, to open up to her, and she was like she had been, and yet not – Catiel was just a soldier, she didn’t have the Jedi training or reputation weighing her – and Carth found himself responding to her, even flirting…
And then he’d remember who she really was and pulled back so fast he could see her confusion. She thought he was paranoid when he couldn’t trust her. If she only knew…
“I will not be betrayed again,” he said, time and time again.
He told her about Saul, at some point. But he couldn’t make himself mention Revan, and how personally he had taken her betrayal, too. He was wary of mentioning her name at all, in case it would make her remember, in case his voice gave something away.
He felt better when they found Bastila. At least he wasn’t alone with the pressure anymore.
Then they were off the planet – largely due to Cati… Revan’s efforts. He didn’t know what to call her in his head, anymore. He couldn’t call her Revan, it might slip out one day. But he couldn’t call her Catiel either, because he couldn’t let himself forget who she really was.
- - -
It got even harder when the Jedi Council decided to train her as a Jedi.
He yelled at Bastila that night. Were they insane? Train Darth Revan?
Bastila clammed up and went all Jedi on him.
He left in a huff and ran into Revan. Catiel.
She was afraid. Of the future, of her skills being enough, of training only to fall to the dark side.
That was when Carth truly believed Catiel was a real person. She was not Revan, not anymore. And maybe she didn’t ever need to be.
That’s when their friendship started to form, when he allowed himself to start open up to her, for real. After all, they were surrounded by Jedi. The pressure was not on him.
Of course, it all ended when the Council decided to throw them all to kath hounds and sent them to frolic around the galaxy hunting for ‘Star Maps’ with only Bastila to keep an eye on Revan.
His doubts flared up again, and he took them out on Revan. Again he could see she though he was paranoid. He longed to be able to explain, to take the confused hurt out of her eyes.
Then he admonished himself for becoming soft. He couldn’t allow himself to care about Cati-Revan. Reviel. Cativan. The Mysterious Stranger of Taris’ fight scene. Caring led to betrayal and loss. He didn’t want to hurt anymore.
He would keep an eye on Revan and kill Saul if he got the chance. And he’d take down Catiel, too, if she ever showed signs of falling.
- - -
But she didn’t. She was always good, brave, helpful, and so goddamn nice Carth wondered about the extent of the Jedi reprogramming. Bastila claimed they had done nothing about her character. The helping thing was all her.
But that just made it worse – if Revan had been like her, helpful and nice and still fallen… He couldn’t trust Catiel. Couldn’t care.
But she didn’t know that, and kept working on him. It seemed to be important to her that Carth liked her, trusted her. Why? She seemed to like him, even though he usually didn’t give her a reason to, by being awkward and paranoid.
Was that a part of what Revan had been, too? Had she… had she felt about him the way he had about her? Could he love Catiel? Could she love him?
But the Jedi are not allowed to form attachments.
And yet… he couldn’t help but love Catiel. He loved her because she was so much like the Revan he had known for such a short time, but also because Catiel was genuinely nice and interesting.
It felt schizophrenic to love them both, but he did. And he hated himself for that weakness. He couldn’t let himself believe in her only to lose her again.
But she kept talking to him, sharing his pain, worrying over him, desperately trying to make him see life beyond revenge.
And before he realised what was happening, he had pledged his life to protecting her. From the Sith, from her self if need be.
She’d never know how real that fear was.
And things went on like that, they hunted for the Star Maps, and Catiel and Carth became even closer friends. He watched her learn to use her powers again, and use them to help people. He fell more in love with her ever day, but mostly refused to admit it, even to himself. Slowly he started to believe in her. Believe they could do this, she could do this, and not become his enemy again.
And then the Leviathan caught up with them.
Part 3: Which one?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Saul knew. He kept taunting Catiel with hints to her shared past with Malak, and Carth had to bite his lip to stop himself from yelling at him to shut up. It was unthinkable for Catiel to find out like this…!
Of course, soon he had another reason to bite his lip, but he could not keep the cries in, when Saul turned the torture fields on, to try to make Catiel talk.
Part of him wanted her to talk, to make the horrible pain stop. Another part, a bigger one, was damn proud of her for keeping their secrets, taunting Saul with irreverent answers, keeping their captor angry enough to not bother to think about the implications of their presence.
- - -
They got out, and fought their way to the Bridge. Soon all of Saul’s men lay dead, and the man himself dying from his wounds.
It would have been so easy to end his suffering, to raise his blaster… Catiel and Bastila were telling him not to do it, not to give in to the hate. He supposed they knew what they were talking about, being Jedi, but still…
Before he could make up his mind, Saul talked, summoning him to his side.
“Do you know who she is, your companion?” he asked with a wheezing voice, trying to cause trouble to the end.
“Revan,” he answered, carelessly, taking the wind out of his sails.
But only momentarily, his old commander changed his tactic soon enough. “But… she doesn’t. The Jedi did something, and she does not know…” he paused to gather strength, then opened his mouth, obviously to talk louder, to share the little fact with Catiel.
Carth raised his blaster and shot him calmly through the head.
He got up and met Bastila’s accusing eyes.
“He knew,” Carth explained, while nodding his head minutely towards Catiel.
“Oh,” Bastila said, accusation gone.
“We have to tell her, Bastila. If she found out like this, from him, in the middle of a fight…”
“Yes… maybe. But not now. When we get back to the Hawk.”
“If you won’t, I will,” Carth said, simply, then turned to find the console that could free them to leave the ship.
“Know what?” Catiel was asking with a low voice.
“Later, I promise,” Bastila said. “Now we need to hurry.”
- - -
Meeting Malak was like a nightmare come true. Carth could do nothing but watch helplessly when the man told Catiel the truth. Truth about who she was, what she had been, what the Jedi had done to her…
Her eyes were filled with tears when she turned to Bastila for confirmation, then the shock turned to sadness, then to anger.
“You… knew, you both knew… All this time.”
Her eyes were closed; she was obviously hunting for memories, trying to reconcile the facts with her thoughts, her memories… trying to figure out whether they were all lies.
“Yes, I understand why you did it,” she said, in the end, quietly. “What better way to defeat your enemy than to make her fight for you.”
Carth couldn’t stay silent any longer. “You weren’t always our enemy, you were an ally first… An ally we’d all wish to get back.”
“Wait…” Malak was saying. “You, you’re the Republic soldier she was…”
“Was what?” Catiel asked, frowning, then seemed to realise what was happening, and that this was not the moment for discussions, and soon they were fighting, her and Malak.
- - -
They were running through the ship, towards the Hawk, Bastila keeping Malak busy, and all Carth would think of was not whether Revan would be the Jedi or the Sith version of herself but whether all traces of Catiel would disappear.
He would miss Catiel. For all of the very short time Darth Revan would allow them all to live, possibly, but still.
“Will you tell them or will I?” Catiel asked when they had gotten away from their pursuers, and resumed their course for Korriban.
“Tell us what?” Mission asked.
“That I… that Catiel Kin-Kari doesn’t exist. That I am Revan.” Her voice was quiet, but everyone in the room could hear her perfectly.
Jolee was not surprised, even Juhani looked only rueful. Canderous… was that admiration on his face?
“What? How?” Mission was the only one who seemed to be able to form questions.
“Carth, would you… you seem to know more than I do.”
So he explained all Bastila had told him on the Spire, all those months ago.
“So… you knew?” Mission was asking.
“I… met Revan once.”
“You never told me that during all of our discussions about the Jedi, and the war,” Catiel said. Asking? Confused? Angry?
“I, uhh…” Come on, flyboy. Come up with something plausible. He could feel the colour rising on his cheeks. “It was... personal.”
Canderous was quick to jump up to the correct conclusions. “You bedded Darth Revan?”
Everyone else was gasping at this, especially since he didn’t seem to be denying it.
“I – met – Jedi Revan, actually,” he said, finally, feeling reckless – he’d already lost whatever future he could have had with Catiel, what did it matter? And it felt good to rub it in Canderous’ face. He admitted silently that that was a very shameful reason, but the man just brought out the worst in him.
Catiel was looking at him with her mouth open, and he braced himself for her reaction.
He was not prepared for the laughter.
“No wonder you seemed to be treating me like two women,” she gasped, “one you could trust and one you couldn’t. And here I thought you were schizophrenic.”
“But which was which?” Jolee was asking.
“Huh?” They turned to face him in unison.
“Which one did he trust?” Jolee asked in his Crazy Sage way.
Carth was not prepared to continue with that line of questioning when HK-47 took part in the conversation for the first time.
- - -
Of course HK had been built by Revan. Why not? Coincidences didn’t seem to happen when Jedi were around.
But the little interlude with the droid reclaiming his memory couldn’t deter them from the main point of the discussion: who did they have, who was she going to be, Revan or Catiel?
The Jedi or the Sith?
Mission was, again, the one to vocalise what the others couldn’t.
“Well, I suppose, if you can’t even remember being her, you are not her. And I’ll follow you.”
- - -
“’You bedded Jedi Revan’?”
He should have known Catiel wouldn’t let that drop. At least they were in private now.
“I’m sorry it had to come out like that. I wasn’t prepared…”
“So... Canderous was right?” she checked.
“Yeah,” he admitted quietly.
“But… when?”
“During the Mandalorian wars, when else?”
“But… you were married.”
Carth looked away, ashamed. “Yes.”
“Did she… I … know that?”
He hated to, but he had to tell her the truth. “Yes.”
“And I … she… still…?”
“It was… like a dream. A moment out of time, out of our real lives. Beautiful madness.”
“I wish I could remember,” she whispered, and Carth couldn't tell how she meant that.
He turned to meet her eyes. “I wish you could, too,” he admitted, quietly.
- - -
Things were awkward, for a bit. Carth and Catiel were avoiding each other, Mission tried to act like nothing had happened, Canderous seemed to expect Revan to come back and Jolee went on being mysterious. Or annoying, he could never decide.
Of course, Bastila's absence didn't help things at all, and added to that, they were heading to Korriban, the Sith Academy.
The place where his son supposedly lived these days.
His need to be with Catiel when she penetrated the Academy stemmed from two things: first, he needed to be there to look for his son, second, he couldn't let Catiel go through that alone.
For her safety, as well as the others'. What if Revan would return? What better place for it than the Sith school? What would that mean for the universe, for the crew of Ebon Haw—for Carth?
For Catiel?
- - -
“Thanks for helping with Dustil,” Carth said quietly after his son had left them alone. “I couldn't have gotten through to him without your help.”
“I'm just sorry he was so...” Catiel was obviously trying her best not to hurt him any more.
“Bitter? Angry?” Carth suggested. “He has his reasons. He was right... I was never there when he was growing up. I told myself it was more important to be doing what I did, to try and save the galaxy for him, but... maybe I was wrong.”
“You weren't. And as soon as Dustil gets over his bitterness he will realise it, too.”
“Maybe. It will not remove the hurt, though. It won't make us know each other any better.”
He sat down on the bed, bracing his hands against the mattress, and stared into the distance, picturing the toddler who had made his uncertain way to him when he came home on leave, smiling brightly enough to light up the whole planet.
That child was gone, but maybe he now had the chance to get to know the man he had grown into. Force willing. All they had to do was save the galaxy before that. Again.
His duty was always going to be in the way of his relationships.
Catiel sat down next to him and pulled him back from the memories with a quiet question.
“How did you live with it?”
“Excuse me?” he asked, not sure he had heard correctly because he had no idea what she was talking about.
“What you and her... me did? How did you go home after that?”
He met her eyes. They were open and honest and maybe a little sad.
“I fell in love with Revan that day,” he answered quietly, before he had time to think about the consequences of his statement.
She flinched, and looked away.
“I loved Morgana, too. That's how I lived with it.”
“No wonder you found it so hard to... I'm sorry I'm not her, Carth.”
“What?” he yelled, getting up.
She followed him with her eyes. “That I'm not the woman you... wanted me to be.”
“Cati...” How could he explain this to her, how could she say that?
He swallowed, and sat back down, even closer to her.
“I'm glad you're not her,” he said, taking her hand. “And not only because of who she became. I would miss you terribly, Cati.”
She seemed to search his face for the truth.
“I love you, too, Cati. Maybe more than I ever loved her because I never knew her like I know you.”
He waited for her response, hardly daring to breathe. He had laid it all on the line, risked his heart and sanity for her, trusted her with more than he ever though possible.
If she betrayed her after this, he didn't think he'd recover from that.
She was crying. He wiped the tears away with his fingertips. “I'm sorry,” he whispered, taking that as a sign he shouldn't have opened his big mouth.
She silenced him by placing her right hand on his mouth, then replacing it with her mouth in a tentative kiss.
He couldn't help but kiss her back, but kept it tender, not giving in to the hunger growing inside.
“I love you, too,” she whispered against his mouth. “I feel I always have, ever since I met you. I think she loved you too, and part of me remembered that, responded to that.”
She pulled back slightly, grinning irreverently. “I don't think I would have bothered trying to get through your thick hide otherwise!
- - -
Part 4: The Right One
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The whole structure was shaking and breaking down around Carth as the Republic forces got through the defences.
That could only mean one of two things... Either Bastila was dead and not aiding the Sith anymore—or Catiel had succeeded in turning her back to the Light and she was aiding the Republic forces again.
He had no way of knowing which it was but at least it meant Catiel was still alive, for the moment. Only she could have made the difference.
But now she'd be hunting Malak, and even though Carth knew she had regained much of what she had lost—her sabre skills, her command of the Force, manifesting in diverse ways—Malak had had all this time to prepare for the meeting, and had the giant structure on his side.
Carth could feel the darkness in the very core of the Star Forge, and didn't envy Catiel's job one bit.
All he had to do was to keep the Hawk safe so that she could have an escape route. Which she would need. Because she would win. And she would be back soon. As Catiel, not Revan, Jedi or Sith.
He was confident of this, although he couldn't say way he felt it so strongly. Wishful thinking?
The shaking under his feet got worse and he had to wonder if anyone of them would actually make it out of the structure. The others had retreated back into the ship, but he stood watch outside, hoping to see a glance of Catiel.
The dark Jedi had given up their attacks on the deck ages ago, concentrating on the more formidable opponents, or running for their lives, Carth didn't know.
He was glad they were safe for the moment but actually a little sorry not to have the distraction of fighting to keep his mind occupied.
The biggest danger for them at the moment were their own allies, trying to take down the Forge itself, and Carth wasn't sure how long they could wait before making their escape. But he wouldn't leave without Catiel, couldn't.
Even if they won, even though his son would be there to meet him at Telos, even though the whole universe was waiting out there, none of that would mean a thing if the price was Catiel's life.
So he paced, dodged the falling debris, ignored Mission's shouts from inside the Hawk. He needed to be there. He had to know the minute Cati...
The door! More dark Jedi? He could see the lighted red sabre and unholstered his blasters. But... wait, that was Bastila. And behind her...
“Cati!” he shouted, and the joyful expression on her face was all the confirmation he needed before pulling her in his arms.
She was kissing him, oblivious to the station falling apart around them.
Bastila had to push them to get them moving.
“Run, you idiots, you have time for that later!”
“You had to bring her, I suppose,” Carth said to Catiel, as they were running towards the Hawk, holding hands and grinning widely.
“Well, she is kinda cute,” Catiel shot back, her grin only widening as they reached the ship.
She let go of Carht's hand to hug Mission.
“Get us out of here, Flyboy,” she commanded, and he threw a sloppy salute in her direction before rushing to the cockpit.
He was more than happy to get them out of there as soon as he could.
- - -
“Cati,” Carth said, holding her close, watching the remaining Republic forces celebrating on the surface of the planet.
“Yes?”
“Nothing. Just... Cati.”
“Yeah, just me,” she replied, smiling. Wilfully misunderstanding him.
Or did she really? He was happy it was “just her” and not Revan. He had loved Revan for years, but like he'd told her on Korriban, he loved Catiel more. So he was more than happy to have her in his arms.
A thought struck him suddenly. It had been all well and good to talk about their emotions when they had been on their mission, outside the norm, living on the edge, but now they were free to do as they wanted, and...
The Jedi were not allowed to form attachments.
He pulled Catiel even closer.
“Do you know what you... she told me before we... kissed for the first time?”
“Tell me.”
“'The Jedi are not celibate, we are just not allowed to form attachments.'”
Silence.
“Cati?”
“Maybe I was never cut out to be a Jedi, then,” she whispered, pressing closer to Carth.
“I regained some of my memories while on the Forge,” she went on quietly. “Just fleeting emotions, some images... But I remembered you. Revan loved you. And not in the 'Jedi are supposed to love everyone' way, either. Two mes have loved you, and for the both of us, I'm not letting you go. If that means not being a Jedi, so be it.”
“But you can't give up all that you worked for.”
“I worked towards saving the galaxy. We did that. Maybe I'll retire,” she suggested, smiling.
Carth would have replied but she stopped him with a kiss.
“Don't worry. We don't have to figure it out now. But Jolee seems to be doing okay even though he's not officially a Jedi. And I see a lot of sense in his views on love. We'll work something out, I promise.”
They remained silent after that, looking at the partying people.
“You feel like joining them?” he asked after a while.
“Nah. I vote we find a room and revisit our own way of celebrating a victory,” she answered, starting to move towards the Temple.
He followed her for a few steps then came to a halt.
“Wait, you remember that?”
She shot him a challenging look over her shoulder, then started running, her laughter filling the night air.
He grinned, and started after her.
“I could make you tell!” he yelled.
“I'm sure you could, handsome, I'm sure you could!”
- - - - - - - -
The End
Cliché: The same but different: Canon AU
Fandom: Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic
Pairing: Carth/Morgana, Carth/female Revan
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Summary: "Jedi Knights aren't celibate - the thing that is forbidden is attachments - and possessive relationships." George Lucas
Notes: AU. Carth said he had met Malak once. What if he had met Revan, instead?
Warning: Marital infidelity, f/m sex
Words: 7123
Part 1: Revan
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Carth looked at the partying people around him, and wondered about the change the Jedi had brought to the war effort.
They could celebrate victories, now, instead of always mourning their losses.
This particular party was arranged in one of the larger ships to celebrate yet another victory over the Mandalorians, yet another planet saved. Someone had had the idea of making it a masquerade, but Carth noticed he wasn’t the only one who hadn’t bothered. The intention must have been the wish for the Jedi to be able to mingle with the Fleet personnel without the aura of mystery but he found he could still easily pick out the Jedi.
It was something in their stance, their expression—or maybe there actually was aura around them, he couldn't tell.
He walked aimlessly around the ship, not really in a mood to party. He missed home and his family. Now, if his wife was here they could dance the night away as they had done, many times, before the birth of their first child.
A child. The though still took his breath away, even after a few years; he had a son. Son, whose first laugh he'd missed, whose first step he'd missed... for whom he was fighting, far away from home.
He downed another drink, and looked at the dancing for another moment before turning around to look for some peace and quiet. He had taken a shuttle over with some friends and couldn’t leave before they were ready.
He opened a door in random, and almost walked through before realising it wasn’t empty.
“Oh, sorry,” he muttered to the dark form in front of the window before turning.
“It’s okay. You looking for some privacy, too?” woman’s voice answered him, stopping his retreat.
“Yes.”
“You are welcome to share my hideaway,” the woman said, and he turned to see her smile.
“Thank you,” he said, smiling back and closing the door.
Maybe he should have asked himself why he chose company instead of the solitude he had thought he wanted.
The woman looked younger than him, her body hidden by a dark cloak, and her dark hair in a simple bun at the back of her head. She was beautiful, but in a subtle way.
She gestured at the bench and he sat down next to her. She moved a bit and he could see the lightsaber peeking from under the cloth. He wasn't really surprised, something in her serene form had already led him to the conclusion.
“You’re one of the Jedi,” he said.
“Yes.”
“Then I should say ‘thank you’ for your help. We were losing before you people joined in,” he said casually but honestly.
“I… we felt the Council was… wrong, in denying you help,” she replied, turning to look out of the window again.
Her profile against the stars was one of the most beautiful things he had ever seen, and it took him a while to gather his thoughts.
“Trust me, we appreciate you for it,” he finally said, then grinned. “I doubt you hid from the party to talk shop.”
“I just... don’t feel comfortable in the crowds. I find it hard to connect,” she explained, facing him again.
He smiled. “Me too. I'm too old for this crowd.”
She raised an eyebrow and he explained, “I've been a soldier too long to see romance in our profession, and I have a family back home. Two things that separate me from most of that lot,” he finished, nodding towards the door, indicating the party that was still in full swing.
“Do you have children?”
“A son,” he said, simply. As much as he loved his family, he didn't want to talk about them.
He told himself it was only because that would make him miss them more.
She smiled, and seemed to sense his reluctance. Well, for all he knew, she could actually read his mind.
Could the Jedi do that? Suddenly he wasn't sure what all he'd learnt about them during the campaign. He saw no reason not to make use of this situation to learn more.
She laughed at his question. “No. Sometimes I wish we could—it would make life so much easier. Some of us can sense emotions, moods, but other than that we're on the same line as everyone else, having to decipher clues from gestures, looks and behaviour.”
“I'm glad,” he said, turning to look at the stars.
“Oh?” Was her tone flirtatious?
He shot her a smile. “I don't think you'd like to hear my thoughts now.”
“Are you sure of that?” she asked, with playful challenge, and he had his answer. She was flirting with him. “I could make you tell.”
And she said she found it hard to connect? She was connecting a little too well, here.
“I'm sure you could, Beautiful, I'm sure you could,” he replied, keeping his own tone light.
The conversation went on along similar lines; they talked, laughed, and kept up the light flirting.
Light enough to be completely innocent, casual enough to be completely safe.
In theory.
Carth had no idea how much time had passed when suddenly there was noise at the door. It opened, and a man peeked in.
“Here you are!” he exclaimed, seeing the woman. “Come on, you’re missing all the… fun”
“I’m fine as I am,” his companion stated dismissively.
“But…” the man said, staring at Carth with a calculating frown.
“Later,” she said, decisively, and the man left, with a final, searching look at Carth, who had stilled.
“That… was Malak,” he said quietly after he was gone.
“Yes?”
“Lady, I’ve spent my life in the Fleet. I recognise hierarchy even when it’s not spoken out loud. There is only one person Malak would be subservient to… Revan.”
She merely nodded, and looked away.
“Does it matter?” she asked quietly, all playfulness gone.
“Does it matter that you are the reason we are winning? I can only thank you again,” he said, already more formal.
“Don’t… please,” she begged, turning to look at him again. “It has been… nice, to be able to forget that I am a leader, for a while, and just… enjoy myself.”
He didn’t know what to say, and felt awkward. He had been flirting with Jedi Revan? Damn.
She seemed to read his mood easily enough.
“Damned Malak. You see me differently, now. Why did he have to show up?”she asked from the universe but Carth had an answer for her.
“He wanted to party with you,” he said dryly, and the tone of ‘party’ left no doubt of what he really meant.
Revan frowned and turned to him. “What?”
“What, you didn’t know?”
“But we’re not…”
“Well, you may not be, but he is,” Carth said, her confusion clearing some of the awe from his head. She was just a woman again, not an all-powerful warrior.
“How did I not know this?”
“Isn’t that forbidden for you Jedi?” he asked, curious.
“We are not celibate,” she said, smiling, “we are just not allowed to form… attachments.”
“Good thing you don’t advertise it—it would make you guys the dream of every partying soldier: guaranteed no-strings sex!” he couldn't stop his exclamation.
“Every soldier?” she asked, shooting him a look from the corner of her eye.
He swallowed, looking away.
“Yeah,” he replied, then cleared his throat because his voice had sounded uncommonly hoarse.
“Even the married ones?” she asked quietly.
“Maybe especially theirs,” he replied in near whisper, unable to look at her.
There was no denying it—he had wanted her from the moment he had seen her face, and it had just grown while they had been talking. It had made him flirt, even though it wasn’t his habit… and every thought of Morgana had left his head.
He had known he should leave but he had been unable to, determined to enjoy her company for as long as he could. Maybe the idea of the untouchability of the Jedi had kept him… safe. From straying. He’d never cheated on Morgana, not during all his long absences, and now here, with her…
Revan touched his arm lightly, and he turned his head to look at her, as if he couldn’t help himself.
She looked as unsure of herself as he did, and that eased his mind. This was new to her, too.
But she was feeling it as well.
He lowered his head slowly, to leave her time to escape. She met him halfway, and then he could feel her soft lips against his, and the sweetness of the feeling warred with the explosive desire that awoke inside him.
There was no time for tenderness when the hunger overtook them. He was forcing her mouth open, desperate to taste her, and she was sucking on his tongue, touching it with hers, stroking the flames even higher.
He pulled her closer, she helped, ending up on his lap, resting her weight just where he wanted her, needed her… He was so hard it was almost uncomfortable, and her tiny movements against his hardness made him want to come, that second…
Her hands were tugging at his clothes, he was helping her to discard her cloak, her robes, and her saber clanked loudly when it hit the floor.
It was madness; had it ever felt like this before? He couldn’t remember ever being this hungry, this desperate, and it felt so, so, good… Her hands were everywhere, her lips, her teeth, biting down on his neck, his shoulder, his chest, and everywhere she wasn’t touching him physically… was she… using the Force on him? To caress him? Or was he imagining it?
His hands were running all over her, caressing her naked skin, his mouth travelled from her face to her neck, lower, to her beautiful breasts, just the right size for his hands, whose dusky buds peaked when he touched them, sucked on them, and the sounds she was making were almost enough to make him explode.
She was moaning, quietly, when he sucked on her skin, wriggling, squirming, as if trying to escape the pleasure.
Then her hands were on him, and he moaned himself. “You do that, this will be over in a second.”
“Well, is there something… else… you’d rather do with it?” she panted into his ear, and the mere idea of burying himself in her…
“What are you waiting for, soldier? Engraved invitation?” she teased, rubbing suggestively against him, but her voice was also needy, hoarse, and she was almost trembling from the strength of her desire.
She was guiding him with Force, he was sure of it, it wouldn’t have been so easy without, so smooth… and she was so wet, so tight… He had to still his hands, bite down on his lips, to not come the first moment he felt her around him.
“More, please, more,” she was gasping into his ear, and he thrust upwards, still biting his lower lip.
She kissed him, then, licking the mark his teeth had left behind, and he could feel himself losing control. It wouldn’t be long, his thrusts were erratic, powerful, and he feared he was hurting her, she was so tight, so fragile in his arms… but she was moaning, edging him on, and then he was beyond reason, beyond worry, pushing her against himself, thrusting deep, deeper… Her teeth were buried in his shoulder now, and even the pain felt good. He was vaguely aware of her shouting as he came, harder than he could ever remember, feeling it from his toes to the top of his head, which seemed to have been blown off.
He stilled his movements, clutching her close, waiting for his heartbeat to slow down, for his breathing to even out, listening to her gasped breath…
How could he ever go back to Morgana after this? How could he ever touch her, knowing he had betrayed her, knowing he would forever be comparing her to this woman, knowing it could never be enough, now.
He wanted to hate himself, but when Revan raised her head to kiss him lightly he knew he never could. This moment of insanity was too precious to taint with self-discrimination.
“I suppose I should apologise,” she was whispering against his neck. “But I cannot. That was too beautiful.”
Yes, beautiful. Like her, like everything she made him feel.
How could he ever let her go?
And yet he knew it would never happen again, he would never even see her again. Because she was a Jedi, and they weren’t allowed to form attachments.
And yet, somehow, he knew he wasn’t the only one who had been affected deeply by the experience. Knew she wasn’t in the habit of doing this.
“I don’t even know your name,” she whispered quietly, meeting his gaze, wonder and… something soft, tender, in her eyes.
“Carth. My name is Carth.”
- - -
Part 2: Catiel
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Carth had been right. He had never seen Revan again, but had awaited news from every battle with a new dread, now. Always fearing that she would not come back. She always did.
Until the war was over, and he was returning home, to Telos, to Morgana and Dustil. And Revan disappeared, supposedly following the remains of the Mandalorian fleet.
It had been easier than he thought to return to Morgana. He did love her, and did still desire her. It wasn’t like it had been with Revan, but it was enough to drive the thought of any other woman from his mind when they were together.
The thoughts always returned, though.
And then Revan did, too.
Only now she was Darth Revan, a Sith, attacking her former allies, and Carth found a new reason to hate himself.
He had loved this dark creature that was killing his friends.
He didn’t think it could get any worse, and then Saul turned, and Telos fell. And he held Morgana when she died, and wept, and even then he could not stop thinking about Revan, about the Jedi he had known, not the Sith.
From then on he lived only for revenge. He was no match for Revan and Malak. But Saul he could kill. And he would, even if it ended his own life.
- - -
Another commission, another ship. He was only aboard Endar Spire as a consultant, and it was the first time since the Mandalorian wars that he was working so close with the Jedi.
One member of the delegation was a young brunette called Bastila who, according to the Fleet grapevine, was the one who had killed Darth Revan.
Carth still couldn’t say how he felt about that. He wondered how he would feel, meeting the woman face to face, knowing he had killed the woman he loved—even if the woman had been a monster by then.
That was when he saw a very familiar face in the crew manifest.
He stared at the woman, unable to believe his eyes.
“Catiel Kin-Kari” read the file but that face was Revan’s.
He needed to see her, to see her move, to hear her voice, to find out if he was crazy. Would she recognise him? What was she doing here? Spying? It didn’t feel right.
Carth found her in the mess, sitting by herself, eating her meal in silence. She was dressed like all the other soldiers, and her hair was shorter than it had been when he last met her. He followed her when she got up to discard her tray.
It was her, alright. Her body, her movement… And she had been specially requested by the Jedi delegation, by the woman who had supposedly killed her.
Carth wanted answers, and he wanted them now.
- - -
“Ah, Commander Onasi, I’ve been looking forward to meeting you,” Bastila Shan said when he found the Jedi.
“Likewise. Now, would you like to explain to me why Darth Revan is among our crew?” he said, not believing in skirting around the issue.
“How… how did you know?” No denial, then.
“I met her once, when she was Jedi Revan,” Carth explained tersely.
Bastila sighed. “Sit down, this is a long story.”
When she had finished, Carth couldn’t decide what to ask first. “You mean… you wiped her mind? And programmed another personality into her?”
“Not… exactly. She almost died, her mind was damaged. I kept her alive, and somehow that formed a bond between us. The Jedi Council finished her healing, and… when she was getting better… convinced her that she was Catiel Kin-Kari, a soldier in the Republic Fleet, who had been in an accident. They… gave her some memories to enforce this belief.”
“Gave her memories?”
“The Force is a powerful ally,” Bastila said quietly.
“I say. No wonder the Sith are such formidable enemies. What if she regains her memories?”
“We… need her to remember just enough to aid us in finding out how to stop Malak, but not too much to let her become what she was, again. We hope that with my bond with her I can… guide her.”
“You hope?”
“That is all we can do, Commander, too much is at stake here.”
“I’ll say. She is dangerous.”
And yet, yet… a part of him was happy that she was not dead, after all. He squashed that part violently, and glared at the Jedi in front of her.
“She’s your responsibility, Jedi. If I see one sign of her former self, I will take action before she can regain her powers.”
“I feel better you are in on this, Commander. The pressure of being the only one aware of her true personality has been… tough. Now I can share the duty of following her with you.”
“Great.”
- - -
When the Spire was under attack, Carth couldn’t help but contact Rev… Catiel, and guide her through the crumbling ship. He wasn't really surprised when she was among the few who survived.
Being pressed close to her in the escape pod was nearly too much for him. His body remembered her closeness, too, and reacted instinctively to the softness of her against him. Luckily for him, she was unconscious by then.
He should hate her… he did, and yet…
He healed her, and then found himself working closely with her to discover Bastila, and a way out of Taris.
He found himself getting to know Catiel, to open up to her, and she was like she had been, and yet not – Catiel was just a soldier, she didn’t have the Jedi training or reputation weighing her – and Carth found himself responding to her, even flirting…
And then he’d remember who she really was and pulled back so fast he could see her confusion. She thought he was paranoid when he couldn’t trust her. If she only knew…
“I will not be betrayed again,” he said, time and time again.
He told her about Saul, at some point. But he couldn’t make himself mention Revan, and how personally he had taken her betrayal, too. He was wary of mentioning her name at all, in case it would make her remember, in case his voice gave something away.
He felt better when they found Bastila. At least he wasn’t alone with the pressure anymore.
Then they were off the planet – largely due to Cati… Revan’s efforts. He didn’t know what to call her in his head, anymore. He couldn’t call her Revan, it might slip out one day. But he couldn’t call her Catiel either, because he couldn’t let himself forget who she really was.
- - -
It got even harder when the Jedi Council decided to train her as a Jedi.
He yelled at Bastila that night. Were they insane? Train Darth Revan?
Bastila clammed up and went all Jedi on him.
He left in a huff and ran into Revan. Catiel.
She was afraid. Of the future, of her skills being enough, of training only to fall to the dark side.
That was when Carth truly believed Catiel was a real person. She was not Revan, not anymore. And maybe she didn’t ever need to be.
That’s when their friendship started to form, when he allowed himself to start open up to her, for real. After all, they were surrounded by Jedi. The pressure was not on him.
Of course, it all ended when the Council decided to throw them all to kath hounds and sent them to frolic around the galaxy hunting for ‘Star Maps’ with only Bastila to keep an eye on Revan.
His doubts flared up again, and he took them out on Revan. Again he could see she though he was paranoid. He longed to be able to explain, to take the confused hurt out of her eyes.
Then he admonished himself for becoming soft. He couldn’t allow himself to care about Cati-Revan. Reviel. Cativan. The Mysterious Stranger of Taris’ fight scene. Caring led to betrayal and loss. He didn’t want to hurt anymore.
He would keep an eye on Revan and kill Saul if he got the chance. And he’d take down Catiel, too, if she ever showed signs of falling.
- - -
But she didn’t. She was always good, brave, helpful, and so goddamn nice Carth wondered about the extent of the Jedi reprogramming. Bastila claimed they had done nothing about her character. The helping thing was all her.
But that just made it worse – if Revan had been like her, helpful and nice and still fallen… He couldn’t trust Catiel. Couldn’t care.
But she didn’t know that, and kept working on him. It seemed to be important to her that Carth liked her, trusted her. Why? She seemed to like him, even though he usually didn’t give her a reason to, by being awkward and paranoid.
Was that a part of what Revan had been, too? Had she… had she felt about him the way he had about her? Could he love Catiel? Could she love him?
But the Jedi are not allowed to form attachments.
And yet… he couldn’t help but love Catiel. He loved her because she was so much like the Revan he had known for such a short time, but also because Catiel was genuinely nice and interesting.
It felt schizophrenic to love them both, but he did. And he hated himself for that weakness. He couldn’t let himself believe in her only to lose her again.
But she kept talking to him, sharing his pain, worrying over him, desperately trying to make him see life beyond revenge.
And before he realised what was happening, he had pledged his life to protecting her. From the Sith, from her self if need be.
She’d never know how real that fear was.
And things went on like that, they hunted for the Star Maps, and Catiel and Carth became even closer friends. He watched her learn to use her powers again, and use them to help people. He fell more in love with her ever day, but mostly refused to admit it, even to himself. Slowly he started to believe in her. Believe they could do this, she could do this, and not become his enemy again.
And then the Leviathan caught up with them.
Part 3: Which one?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Saul knew. He kept taunting Catiel with hints to her shared past with Malak, and Carth had to bite his lip to stop himself from yelling at him to shut up. It was unthinkable for Catiel to find out like this…!
Of course, soon he had another reason to bite his lip, but he could not keep the cries in, when Saul turned the torture fields on, to try to make Catiel talk.
Part of him wanted her to talk, to make the horrible pain stop. Another part, a bigger one, was damn proud of her for keeping their secrets, taunting Saul with irreverent answers, keeping their captor angry enough to not bother to think about the implications of their presence.
- - -
They got out, and fought their way to the Bridge. Soon all of Saul’s men lay dead, and the man himself dying from his wounds.
It would have been so easy to end his suffering, to raise his blaster… Catiel and Bastila were telling him not to do it, not to give in to the hate. He supposed they knew what they were talking about, being Jedi, but still…
Before he could make up his mind, Saul talked, summoning him to his side.
“Do you know who she is, your companion?” he asked with a wheezing voice, trying to cause trouble to the end.
“Revan,” he answered, carelessly, taking the wind out of his sails.
But only momentarily, his old commander changed his tactic soon enough. “But… she doesn’t. The Jedi did something, and she does not know…” he paused to gather strength, then opened his mouth, obviously to talk louder, to share the little fact with Catiel.
Carth raised his blaster and shot him calmly through the head.
He got up and met Bastila’s accusing eyes.
“He knew,” Carth explained, while nodding his head minutely towards Catiel.
“Oh,” Bastila said, accusation gone.
“We have to tell her, Bastila. If she found out like this, from him, in the middle of a fight…”
“Yes… maybe. But not now. When we get back to the Hawk.”
“If you won’t, I will,” Carth said, simply, then turned to find the console that could free them to leave the ship.
“Know what?” Catiel was asking with a low voice.
“Later, I promise,” Bastila said. “Now we need to hurry.”
- - -
Meeting Malak was like a nightmare come true. Carth could do nothing but watch helplessly when the man told Catiel the truth. Truth about who she was, what she had been, what the Jedi had done to her…
Her eyes were filled with tears when she turned to Bastila for confirmation, then the shock turned to sadness, then to anger.
“You… knew, you both knew… All this time.”
Her eyes were closed; she was obviously hunting for memories, trying to reconcile the facts with her thoughts, her memories… trying to figure out whether they were all lies.
“Yes, I understand why you did it,” she said, in the end, quietly. “What better way to defeat your enemy than to make her fight for you.”
Carth couldn’t stay silent any longer. “You weren’t always our enemy, you were an ally first… An ally we’d all wish to get back.”
“Wait…” Malak was saying. “You, you’re the Republic soldier she was…”
“Was what?” Catiel asked, frowning, then seemed to realise what was happening, and that this was not the moment for discussions, and soon they were fighting, her and Malak.
- - -
They were running through the ship, towards the Hawk, Bastila keeping Malak busy, and all Carth would think of was not whether Revan would be the Jedi or the Sith version of herself but whether all traces of Catiel would disappear.
He would miss Catiel. For all of the very short time Darth Revan would allow them all to live, possibly, but still.
“Will you tell them or will I?” Catiel asked when they had gotten away from their pursuers, and resumed their course for Korriban.
“Tell us what?” Mission asked.
“That I… that Catiel Kin-Kari doesn’t exist. That I am Revan.” Her voice was quiet, but everyone in the room could hear her perfectly.
Jolee was not surprised, even Juhani looked only rueful. Canderous… was that admiration on his face?
“What? How?” Mission was the only one who seemed to be able to form questions.
“Carth, would you… you seem to know more than I do.”
So he explained all Bastila had told him on the Spire, all those months ago.
“So… you knew?” Mission was asking.
“I… met Revan once.”
“You never told me that during all of our discussions about the Jedi, and the war,” Catiel said. Asking? Confused? Angry?
“I, uhh…” Come on, flyboy. Come up with something plausible. He could feel the colour rising on his cheeks. “It was... personal.”
Canderous was quick to jump up to the correct conclusions. “You bedded Darth Revan?”
Everyone else was gasping at this, especially since he didn’t seem to be denying it.
“I – met – Jedi Revan, actually,” he said, finally, feeling reckless – he’d already lost whatever future he could have had with Catiel, what did it matter? And it felt good to rub it in Canderous’ face. He admitted silently that that was a very shameful reason, but the man just brought out the worst in him.
Catiel was looking at him with her mouth open, and he braced himself for her reaction.
He was not prepared for the laughter.
“No wonder you seemed to be treating me like two women,” she gasped, “one you could trust and one you couldn’t. And here I thought you were schizophrenic.”
“But which was which?” Jolee was asking.
“Huh?” They turned to face him in unison.
“Which one did he trust?” Jolee asked in his Crazy Sage way.
Carth was not prepared to continue with that line of questioning when HK-47 took part in the conversation for the first time.
- - -
Of course HK had been built by Revan. Why not? Coincidences didn’t seem to happen when Jedi were around.
But the little interlude with the droid reclaiming his memory couldn’t deter them from the main point of the discussion: who did they have, who was she going to be, Revan or Catiel?
The Jedi or the Sith?
Mission was, again, the one to vocalise what the others couldn’t.
“Well, I suppose, if you can’t even remember being her, you are not her. And I’ll follow you.”
- - -
“’You bedded Jedi Revan’?”
He should have known Catiel wouldn’t let that drop. At least they were in private now.
“I’m sorry it had to come out like that. I wasn’t prepared…”
“So... Canderous was right?” she checked.
“Yeah,” he admitted quietly.
“But… when?”
“During the Mandalorian wars, when else?”
“But… you were married.”
Carth looked away, ashamed. “Yes.”
“Did she… I … know that?”
He hated to, but he had to tell her the truth. “Yes.”
“And I … she… still…?”
“It was… like a dream. A moment out of time, out of our real lives. Beautiful madness.”
“I wish I could remember,” she whispered, and Carth couldn't tell how she meant that.
He turned to meet her eyes. “I wish you could, too,” he admitted, quietly.
- - -
Things were awkward, for a bit. Carth and Catiel were avoiding each other, Mission tried to act like nothing had happened, Canderous seemed to expect Revan to come back and Jolee went on being mysterious. Or annoying, he could never decide.
Of course, Bastila's absence didn't help things at all, and added to that, they were heading to Korriban, the Sith Academy.
The place where his son supposedly lived these days.
His need to be with Catiel when she penetrated the Academy stemmed from two things: first, he needed to be there to look for his son, second, he couldn't let Catiel go through that alone.
For her safety, as well as the others'. What if Revan would return? What better place for it than the Sith school? What would that mean for the universe, for the crew of Ebon Haw—for Carth?
For Catiel?
- - -
“Thanks for helping with Dustil,” Carth said quietly after his son had left them alone. “I couldn't have gotten through to him without your help.”
“I'm just sorry he was so...” Catiel was obviously trying her best not to hurt him any more.
“Bitter? Angry?” Carth suggested. “He has his reasons. He was right... I was never there when he was growing up. I told myself it was more important to be doing what I did, to try and save the galaxy for him, but... maybe I was wrong.”
“You weren't. And as soon as Dustil gets over his bitterness he will realise it, too.”
“Maybe. It will not remove the hurt, though. It won't make us know each other any better.”
He sat down on the bed, bracing his hands against the mattress, and stared into the distance, picturing the toddler who had made his uncertain way to him when he came home on leave, smiling brightly enough to light up the whole planet.
That child was gone, but maybe he now had the chance to get to know the man he had grown into. Force willing. All they had to do was save the galaxy before that. Again.
His duty was always going to be in the way of his relationships.
Catiel sat down next to him and pulled him back from the memories with a quiet question.
“How did you live with it?”
“Excuse me?” he asked, not sure he had heard correctly because he had no idea what she was talking about.
“What you and her... me did? How did you go home after that?”
He met her eyes. They were open and honest and maybe a little sad.
“I fell in love with Revan that day,” he answered quietly, before he had time to think about the consequences of his statement.
She flinched, and looked away.
“I loved Morgana, too. That's how I lived with it.”
“No wonder you found it so hard to... I'm sorry I'm not her, Carth.”
“What?” he yelled, getting up.
She followed him with her eyes. “That I'm not the woman you... wanted me to be.”
“Cati...” How could he explain this to her, how could she say that?
He swallowed, and sat back down, even closer to her.
“I'm glad you're not her,” he said, taking her hand. “And not only because of who she became. I would miss you terribly, Cati.”
She seemed to search his face for the truth.
“I love you, too, Cati. Maybe more than I ever loved her because I never knew her like I know you.”
He waited for her response, hardly daring to breathe. He had laid it all on the line, risked his heart and sanity for her, trusted her with more than he ever though possible.
If she betrayed her after this, he didn't think he'd recover from that.
She was crying. He wiped the tears away with his fingertips. “I'm sorry,” he whispered, taking that as a sign he shouldn't have opened his big mouth.
She silenced him by placing her right hand on his mouth, then replacing it with her mouth in a tentative kiss.
He couldn't help but kiss her back, but kept it tender, not giving in to the hunger growing inside.
“I love you, too,” she whispered against his mouth. “I feel I always have, ever since I met you. I think she loved you too, and part of me remembered that, responded to that.”
She pulled back slightly, grinning irreverently. “I don't think I would have bothered trying to get through your thick hide otherwise!
- - -
Part 4: The Right One
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The whole structure was shaking and breaking down around Carth as the Republic forces got through the defences.
That could only mean one of two things... Either Bastila was dead and not aiding the Sith anymore—or Catiel had succeeded in turning her back to the Light and she was aiding the Republic forces again.
He had no way of knowing which it was but at least it meant Catiel was still alive, for the moment. Only she could have made the difference.
But now she'd be hunting Malak, and even though Carth knew she had regained much of what she had lost—her sabre skills, her command of the Force, manifesting in diverse ways—Malak had had all this time to prepare for the meeting, and had the giant structure on his side.
Carth could feel the darkness in the very core of the Star Forge, and didn't envy Catiel's job one bit.
All he had to do was to keep the Hawk safe so that she could have an escape route. Which she would need. Because she would win. And she would be back soon. As Catiel, not Revan, Jedi or Sith.
He was confident of this, although he couldn't say way he felt it so strongly. Wishful thinking?
The shaking under his feet got worse and he had to wonder if anyone of them would actually make it out of the structure. The others had retreated back into the ship, but he stood watch outside, hoping to see a glance of Catiel.
The dark Jedi had given up their attacks on the deck ages ago, concentrating on the more formidable opponents, or running for their lives, Carth didn't know.
He was glad they were safe for the moment but actually a little sorry not to have the distraction of fighting to keep his mind occupied.
The biggest danger for them at the moment were their own allies, trying to take down the Forge itself, and Carth wasn't sure how long they could wait before making their escape. But he wouldn't leave without Catiel, couldn't.
Even if they won, even though his son would be there to meet him at Telos, even though the whole universe was waiting out there, none of that would mean a thing if the price was Catiel's life.
So he paced, dodged the falling debris, ignored Mission's shouts from inside the Hawk. He needed to be there. He had to know the minute Cati...
The door! More dark Jedi? He could see the lighted red sabre and unholstered his blasters. But... wait, that was Bastila. And behind her...
“Cati!” he shouted, and the joyful expression on her face was all the confirmation he needed before pulling her in his arms.
She was kissing him, oblivious to the station falling apart around them.
Bastila had to push them to get them moving.
“Run, you idiots, you have time for that later!”
“You had to bring her, I suppose,” Carth said to Catiel, as they were running towards the Hawk, holding hands and grinning widely.
“Well, she is kinda cute,” Catiel shot back, her grin only widening as they reached the ship.
She let go of Carht's hand to hug Mission.
“Get us out of here, Flyboy,” she commanded, and he threw a sloppy salute in her direction before rushing to the cockpit.
He was more than happy to get them out of there as soon as he could.
- - -
“Cati,” Carth said, holding her close, watching the remaining Republic forces celebrating on the surface of the planet.
“Yes?”
“Nothing. Just... Cati.”
“Yeah, just me,” she replied, smiling. Wilfully misunderstanding him.
Or did she really? He was happy it was “just her” and not Revan. He had loved Revan for years, but like he'd told her on Korriban, he loved Catiel more. So he was more than happy to have her in his arms.
A thought struck him suddenly. It had been all well and good to talk about their emotions when they had been on their mission, outside the norm, living on the edge, but now they were free to do as they wanted, and...
The Jedi were not allowed to form attachments.
He pulled Catiel even closer.
“Do you know what you... she told me before we... kissed for the first time?”
“Tell me.”
“'The Jedi are not celibate, we are just not allowed to form attachments.'”
Silence.
“Cati?”
“Maybe I was never cut out to be a Jedi, then,” she whispered, pressing closer to Carth.
“I regained some of my memories while on the Forge,” she went on quietly. “Just fleeting emotions, some images... But I remembered you. Revan loved you. And not in the 'Jedi are supposed to love everyone' way, either. Two mes have loved you, and for the both of us, I'm not letting you go. If that means not being a Jedi, so be it.”
“But you can't give up all that you worked for.”
“I worked towards saving the galaxy. We did that. Maybe I'll retire,” she suggested, smiling.
Carth would have replied but she stopped him with a kiss.
“Don't worry. We don't have to figure it out now. But Jolee seems to be doing okay even though he's not officially a Jedi. And I see a lot of sense in his views on love. We'll work something out, I promise.”
They remained silent after that, looking at the partying people.
“You feel like joining them?” he asked after a while.
“Nah. I vote we find a room and revisit our own way of celebrating a victory,” she answered, starting to move towards the Temple.
He followed her for a few steps then came to a halt.
“Wait, you remember that?”
She shot him a challenging look over her shoulder, then started running, her laughter filling the night air.
He grinned, and started after her.
“I could make you tell!” he yelled.
“I'm sure you could, handsome, I'm sure you could!”
- - - - - - - -
The End