Niki (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
niki_chidon) wrote2010-02-17 05:36 am
niki_chidon) wrote2010-02-17 05:36 am
Fic: Nights of the Old Republic 26/? (KotOR, Carth/female Revan)
Title: Nights of the Old Republic (26/?): On the Nature of Love, Pt 3
Author: Niki
Fandom: SW: KotOR
Disclaimer: Still not mine.
Notes: I quote almost all of Jolee's theories on love but since this is a *love* story, I find this central to the theme.
Previous parts: Prologue, Chapter 1, Interlude, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8, Chapter 9, Chapter 10, Chapter 11, Chapter 12, Chapter 13, Chapter 14, Chapter 15, Chapter 16, Chapter 17, Chapter 18, Chapter 19, Chapter 20, Chapter 21, Chapter 22, Chapter 23 and Chapter 24
Chapter 25: On the Nature of Love, Pt 3
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Carth had just been on his way to the galley to get a bit to eat before returning to the flight duty. He hadn't meant to listen. But when he was passing by the med bay he had heard Jolee ask, "Have you ever been in love? Truly in love, I mean, and not a simple infatuation." and he had just had to stop and listen to Shin's reply.
Her "Well..." hadn't been very informative but Carth found himself rooted to the spot listening to the old Jedi elaborating his point.
"Exactly," he was saying. "You're still at the beginning of your life. There will be men in your life... perhaps many men... but if you're fortunate you'll find love once." Carth didn't like the idea of 'many men' in Shin's life. Not at all. Now he definitely needed to hear what they were going to say.
"The Jedi, with their damnable sense of overcaution, would tell you love is something to avoid. Thankfully, anyone who's even partially alive knows that's not true."
"That's what I've always thought," Shin interjected quietly and Carth closed his eyes and leaned towards the wall. Really? She really believed that? Maybe... But they still had the whole Revan-thing to work through and it wasn't like she had ever said the words.
"Love doesn't lead to the dark side. Passion can lead to rage and fear, and can be controlled... but passion is not the same thing as love. Controlling your passions while being in love... that's what they should teach you to beware. But love, itself, will save you... not condemn you. Ahhhh, but listen to me go on as if I had all the answers. What do I know of love anymore? I'm just a lonely old man who's not even a Jedi."
"No, I want to hear what you have to say." There was something hungry in Shin's voice, something desperate, like she really needed to hear Jolee's theories, maybe to... confirm her own?
"You do, do you? I wouldn't listen too closely... I'm no authority on anything. I just think that the greatest things in life shouldn't be avoided because they come with a few complications. Love causes pain, certainly. Inevitably love is going to lead to as much sorrow and regret as it does joy. I suppose there are perfect, eternal loves out there... but I haven't seen any. How you deal with the bad part of love is what determines your character, what determines the dark side's hold over you."
"You don't think love can work?" Shin asked in a wistful voice.
"I suppose it could. It would take a strong person to make that kind of commitment, I think. Someone with a great sense of self. I'll tell you one thing: sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you and the one you love simply aren't meant to be together. The trick is to know when that is, to know when it's time to fight and when it's time to part ways. Hmph... there I go waxing philosophical again. Somebody blast me already! Let's get going before I start talking in riddles, dammit!"
Carth beat a hasty retreat before they could exit the room. He skipped the lunch and made his way back to the cockpit. He couldn't stop thinking about Jolee's words.
He had always been convinced his marriage with Morgana would have lasted if she hadn't died, that their love would have endured. It hadn't occurred to him that love couldn't last.
But... what if he had still been married when he met Shin? Would he still have fallen as hard? He couldn't imagine not loving Shin. And would that love last? That was of course if Shin could love him back, which he had to admit she didn't really have many reasons to do. Then again, she did... care about him. He knew that much.
What if they could love each other? What would that mean? Would it make Shin more vulnerable to the dark side? Would it make them put each others' safety above their mission?
And he couldn't shake the feeling there had been something prophetic about Jolee's words about letting your love go. Would that be the price they had to pay to succeed in their quest? And would he be able to pay it? Could he let go of another woman he loved even if the fate of the galaxy depended on it? Even if Shin never loved him back?
- - -
Shin had meant to make her customary round of the Ebon Hawk but after talking with Jolee she needed some time to ponder his words.
It was the third day of their trip to Manaan. The first she had spent on her own, trying to meditate, trying to make some sense of her new-found identity, even purposefully searching for the memories inside her, even though she felt there was danger in that.
What if Revan reappeared? Would she be a Sith or a Jedi?
Then again, what was she? She was happy, ecstatic in fact, that Jolee shared her view on love. But then, Jolee admitted he was not a Jedi. Was Shin? How could she resolve Council's teachings with her love for Carth? She still viewed that as source of her strength. Was that arrogance that would lead her – again – to the dark side of the Force? She couldn't come to any definite conclusions about that on her own.
That made her actually wish she could talk to Bastila. Still, she knew, had the other woman been there she would never have voiced her doubts to her. It also made her feel ashamed. Bastila was held prisoner by Malak, tortured, maybe killed, and she was tangled up in her own petty problems.
But that didn't make the said problems feel any smaller when trapped inside her own head for hours on end.
She didn't feel like a construct. She didn't feel any more... artificial now than she had felt when she... wait, how much of her life was real? Which part of her memories were real? Had she really been recovered from a crashed ship, had they really gone as far as to set up a crash site for her to wake up in, amnesiac? Or was that memory planted?
It didn't feel any less real than her memories of Endar Spire, of Taris, of Carth and her one night with him.
It scared her. If the Council had managed to make her believe that, couldn't her whole personality also be a plant?
But Carth and Mission and the others viewed 'Shin' as a real person. That was enough for her for now. Although she did wonder who had named her. "Unknown Warrior" showed sense of humour beyond what she thought the Council capable of.
The whole identity crisis was also mixed in her feelings for Carth. She loved him. Those feelings were as real as anything. Could Revan love someone? Could the Council have been able to create a living, loving person by planting a few memories? What was love, in the first place?
Biological, based on brain chemistry? Something more intangible? Or was it a plant, too? Triggering her to fall for one on "their side" to aid in their cause? That sounded a little far-fetched, even for the Jedi...
In the end, she found her peace where she always did – in Carth. She concentrated on the feelings he created in her, and in them found her own truth. Her love was real. Therefore, at least on some level, she was real.
Surely her feelings couldn't disappear into thin air even if she regained her memories and old personality? It made sense that they would at least linger. Which in turn meant Carth would be safe, even from evil Revan, at least for long enough for him to kill her.
Weird to find comfort in a thought like that.
She almost wished Carth didn't care about her, to make the act easier.
Almost. She had no clue as to his real feelings even though, surely, they had been heading towards a relationship? His kisses couldn't have only been about the physical. His sense of betrayal had felt too personal to be unaffected by deep caring for her. Right?
She replayed the tenderness he had shown her again and again in her head, the soft kiss on her forehead even after he had discovered her true identity... Surely that had been a sign of caring, if not love?
On the second day she had emerged and talked to everyone on board the Hawk, talking about her identity and about people's reactions to that. Mission was supportive, Canderous' admiration to Revan was clear, Jolee... Jolee had talked about swirling Force and snakes. Profound, she was sure.
Carth... she hadn't really talked with Carth after he had convinced her she was still her. It had really sounded like he believed what he said, though. And that had helped her.
And now, on their last day before reaching Manaan, Jolee had given her more to think about on the subject of love, and Shin didn't feel like talking to anyone else, after all.
Locked in her cabin she missed Carth so much it felt like physical pain. But what could she say? Could Carth ever really forget the fact she had been Revan? Should he even forget that?
And then the whole process started again, feelings and ideas and dreams and fears running again and again and again through her mind, like a caged tach. Or a gizka, she mused, spotting one hiding under her bed.
They really needed to do something about their resident zoo at some point...
- - - - - - -
Author: Niki
Fandom: SW: KotOR
Disclaimer: Still not mine.
Notes: I quote almost all of Jolee's theories on love but since this is a *love* story, I find this central to the theme.
Previous parts: Prologue, Chapter 1, Interlude, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8, Chapter 9, Chapter 10, Chapter 11, Chapter 12, Chapter 13, Chapter 14, Chapter 15, Chapter 16, Chapter 17, Chapter 18, Chapter 19, Chapter 20, Chapter 21, Chapter 22, Chapter 23 and Chapter 24
Chapter 25: On the Nature of Love, Pt 3
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Carth had just been on his way to the galley to get a bit to eat before returning to the flight duty. He hadn't meant to listen. But when he was passing by the med bay he had heard Jolee ask, "Have you ever been in love? Truly in love, I mean, and not a simple infatuation." and he had just had to stop and listen to Shin's reply.
Her "Well..." hadn't been very informative but Carth found himself rooted to the spot listening to the old Jedi elaborating his point.
"Exactly," he was saying. "You're still at the beginning of your life. There will be men in your life... perhaps many men... but if you're fortunate you'll find love once." Carth didn't like the idea of 'many men' in Shin's life. Not at all. Now he definitely needed to hear what they were going to say.
"The Jedi, with their damnable sense of overcaution, would tell you love is something to avoid. Thankfully, anyone who's even partially alive knows that's not true."
"That's what I've always thought," Shin interjected quietly and Carth closed his eyes and leaned towards the wall. Really? She really believed that? Maybe... But they still had the whole Revan-thing to work through and it wasn't like she had ever said the words.
"Love doesn't lead to the dark side. Passion can lead to rage and fear, and can be controlled... but passion is not the same thing as love. Controlling your passions while being in love... that's what they should teach you to beware. But love, itself, will save you... not condemn you. Ahhhh, but listen to me go on as if I had all the answers. What do I know of love anymore? I'm just a lonely old man who's not even a Jedi."
"No, I want to hear what you have to say." There was something hungry in Shin's voice, something desperate, like she really needed to hear Jolee's theories, maybe to... confirm her own?
"You do, do you? I wouldn't listen too closely... I'm no authority on anything. I just think that the greatest things in life shouldn't be avoided because they come with a few complications. Love causes pain, certainly. Inevitably love is going to lead to as much sorrow and regret as it does joy. I suppose there are perfect, eternal loves out there... but I haven't seen any. How you deal with the bad part of love is what determines your character, what determines the dark side's hold over you."
"You don't think love can work?" Shin asked in a wistful voice.
"I suppose it could. It would take a strong person to make that kind of commitment, I think. Someone with a great sense of self. I'll tell you one thing: sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you and the one you love simply aren't meant to be together. The trick is to know when that is, to know when it's time to fight and when it's time to part ways. Hmph... there I go waxing philosophical again. Somebody blast me already! Let's get going before I start talking in riddles, dammit!"
Carth beat a hasty retreat before they could exit the room. He skipped the lunch and made his way back to the cockpit. He couldn't stop thinking about Jolee's words.
He had always been convinced his marriage with Morgana would have lasted if she hadn't died, that their love would have endured. It hadn't occurred to him that love couldn't last.
But... what if he had still been married when he met Shin? Would he still have fallen as hard? He couldn't imagine not loving Shin. And would that love last? That was of course if Shin could love him back, which he had to admit she didn't really have many reasons to do. Then again, she did... care about him. He knew that much.
What if they could love each other? What would that mean? Would it make Shin more vulnerable to the dark side? Would it make them put each others' safety above their mission?
And he couldn't shake the feeling there had been something prophetic about Jolee's words about letting your love go. Would that be the price they had to pay to succeed in their quest? And would he be able to pay it? Could he let go of another woman he loved even if the fate of the galaxy depended on it? Even if Shin never loved him back?
- - -
Shin had meant to make her customary round of the Ebon Hawk but after talking with Jolee she needed some time to ponder his words.
It was the third day of their trip to Manaan. The first she had spent on her own, trying to meditate, trying to make some sense of her new-found identity, even purposefully searching for the memories inside her, even though she felt there was danger in that.
What if Revan reappeared? Would she be a Sith or a Jedi?
Then again, what was she? She was happy, ecstatic in fact, that Jolee shared her view on love. But then, Jolee admitted he was not a Jedi. Was Shin? How could she resolve Council's teachings with her love for Carth? She still viewed that as source of her strength. Was that arrogance that would lead her – again – to the dark side of the Force? She couldn't come to any definite conclusions about that on her own.
That made her actually wish she could talk to Bastila. Still, she knew, had the other woman been there she would never have voiced her doubts to her. It also made her feel ashamed. Bastila was held prisoner by Malak, tortured, maybe killed, and she was tangled up in her own petty problems.
But that didn't make the said problems feel any smaller when trapped inside her own head for hours on end.
She didn't feel like a construct. She didn't feel any more... artificial now than she had felt when she... wait, how much of her life was real? Which part of her memories were real? Had she really been recovered from a crashed ship, had they really gone as far as to set up a crash site for her to wake up in, amnesiac? Or was that memory planted?
It didn't feel any less real than her memories of Endar Spire, of Taris, of Carth and her one night with him.
It scared her. If the Council had managed to make her believe that, couldn't her whole personality also be a plant?
But Carth and Mission and the others viewed 'Shin' as a real person. That was enough for her for now. Although she did wonder who had named her. "Unknown Warrior" showed sense of humour beyond what she thought the Council capable of.
The whole identity crisis was also mixed in her feelings for Carth. She loved him. Those feelings were as real as anything. Could Revan love someone? Could the Council have been able to create a living, loving person by planting a few memories? What was love, in the first place?
Biological, based on brain chemistry? Something more intangible? Or was it a plant, too? Triggering her to fall for one on "their side" to aid in their cause? That sounded a little far-fetched, even for the Jedi...
In the end, she found her peace where she always did – in Carth. She concentrated on the feelings he created in her, and in them found her own truth. Her love was real. Therefore, at least on some level, she was real.
Surely her feelings couldn't disappear into thin air even if she regained her memories and old personality? It made sense that they would at least linger. Which in turn meant Carth would be safe, even from evil Revan, at least for long enough for him to kill her.
Weird to find comfort in a thought like that.
She almost wished Carth didn't care about her, to make the act easier.
Almost. She had no clue as to his real feelings even though, surely, they had been heading towards a relationship? His kisses couldn't have only been about the physical. His sense of betrayal had felt too personal to be unaffected by deep caring for her. Right?
She replayed the tenderness he had shown her again and again in her head, the soft kiss on her forehead even after he had discovered her true identity... Surely that had been a sign of caring, if not love?
On the second day she had emerged and talked to everyone on board the Hawk, talking about her identity and about people's reactions to that. Mission was supportive, Canderous' admiration to Revan was clear, Jolee... Jolee had talked about swirling Force and snakes. Profound, she was sure.
Carth... she hadn't really talked with Carth after he had convinced her she was still her. It had really sounded like he believed what he said, though. And that had helped her.
And now, on their last day before reaching Manaan, Jolee had given her more to think about on the subject of love, and Shin didn't feel like talking to anyone else, after all.
Locked in her cabin she missed Carth so much it felt like physical pain. But what could she say? Could Carth ever really forget the fact she had been Revan? Should he even forget that?
And then the whole process started again, feelings and ideas and dreams and fears running again and again and again through her mind, like a caged tach. Or a gizka, she mused, spotting one hiding under her bed.
They really needed to do something about their resident zoo at some point...
- - - - - - -